Time for the second and last book in the Sweet Valley Survival miniseries! It’s not a nightmare on Elm Street, it’s a nightmare in Death Valley! It’s a nightmare to read! If you’re short on time here’s my too-long-didn’t-read review:
God! It’s effing terrible, and just begging for me to make fun of it, so let’s go. If you need a reminder of what happened in the first book, check out my recap here.
The goofiness begins on this cover:
So we have Liz dangling off a cliff while Bruce finally snaps and tries to drop her to her doom, or wait, maybe he’s trying to rescue her. Either way, Liz doesn’t look terrified for her life so much as slightly bothered. At left, Heather and Jessica crouch by a campfire while three werewolf-esque zombies creep up on them in the background! Whoops, I think that’s supposed to be the escaped convicts that have been following them and snatchin’ up their gold. Damn cover got my hopes up that it was Liz’s old werewolf boyfriend back from the dead with two cronies.
Now let’s get into the story so you can all suffer along. We pick up where we left off, with our six Sweet Valley Survival School (SVSS) participants getting hit by the mega storm their absentee survival trainers had warned them was coming. Everyone runs under a nearby rock overhang, although Liz has to stop to drag forever-screeching Heather out of a puddle she fell in. They all cram under the overhang and commence to bickering like usual. Heather whines that she’s cold, so Liz loans her her survival school-issued flannel shirt, since Heather’s is presumably at the bottom of the river somewhere. Jessica seethes because she’s furious any time someone tries to keep Heather alive. The storm clears pretty quick, but they realize more could be coming and they should probably find a roomier shelter to bed down for the night. The only appropriate place is that skeleton- and scorpion-infested cave they just found! Everyone seems more concerned about the skeletons than the possibility of getting stung by the loads of scorpions. Also, nobody seems to consider that a search party might’ve been sent out for them when they didn’t make it to the meetup point at the allotted time – it’s not even brought up. Although, I guess I wouldn’t blame the rest of Sweet Valley if they were relieved to be free of these morons and did in fact just leave them out there to rot.
Inside the cave, Ken briefly shows affection toward Jessica almost like he wants to make up with her, then he abruptly walks off to start a fire. Bruce keeps heckling people like usual and he’s really juvenile. Then Jessica and Heather say they want to keep hiking for the night rather than waste time sleeping. No one else agrees, and Jessica gets pissed off and makes a big show of dragging her sleeping bag outside to sleep there. She’s obviously cold, but she refuses Liz’s offer of a sweatshirt and Liz almost cries because Jessica is the fucking worst. Back inside the cave, Ken and Todd have Heather set up her sleeping bag between them because she’s scared of the escaped convicts from the prison nearby, and Liz feels jealous. (By the way, still nobody believes Heather when she says she saw them.) Then Jessica peeks back in the cave and sees Heather snuggled next to her man, and dramatically decides she’s sleeping in the cave after all. Oh god Jessica, how about you go sleep in a pile of scorpions. Then, it’s dinner time, but there isn’t much food left since these dumbasses threw most of their dinner rations out in the last book to make room for the gold they found. Liz searches her pack and finds two mac and cheese boxes, and Jessica shocks her by offering to cook them up for everyone. I would be concerned she was looking to poison everyone, but that’s just me, apparently. Jessica carefully levels off the meager servings and hands them out, but then stupid jerk Bruce becomes infuriated as he claims Jessica is deliberately serving him less than everyone else, which she insists she’s not, pointing out everyone has the same five bites, but Bruce is convinced she’s trying to deliberately starve him. I mean, it’s tempting right. When Jessica exasperatedly hands him his serving, both she and Bruce are so flustered by Bruce’s growly temper tantrum that it ends up getting accidentally knocked in the dirt. Bruce flips out and lunges at Jessica to strangle her or something, and Todd has to hold him back. Bruce breaks free, and Liz jumps in front of her sister and pushes Bruce back into the dirt, temporarily resurrecting the fractured bond between our feuding twins. Man, Bruce sounds like the Hulk in this scene. I’m wondering if he ate some peyote on the trail or something.
The group is still seeing scorpions scuttle around the cave, so they gather up bunches of sagebrush and use it to sweep them all out. Haha! After they have all gone to sleep, Liz gets out her flashlight and reviews the remaining page of the old Gold Rush diary she’s been carrying around and is alarmed to see it talks about a group that fought and acted unlike themselves over the gold, just like this group is. Could the Sweet Valley gang be headed for the same fate? Can I be so lucky?
The next morning, Jessica wakes to lizards scampering around her head and she deliberately drops one on Heather to start a scene because she’s five. Then the gang divvies up their remaining food. All they have left for the rest of the hike back is nine granola bars for six people, over an estimated two days. They decide to each eat half a granola bar for breakfast, leaving six granola bars for later. Liz is the last one out of the cave, and Bruce starts some shit with her, blocking her path out of the cave and demanding that they all get to eat the remaining granola bars now. Liz tries to remind him of what they learned over their training weekend, that they should ration it out to keep up their energy, but he doesn’t let up and keeps growling at her and blocking her path until Todd breaks it up. Fucking creeper!
The gang’s water supplies are also dwindling, and Jessica has been carelessly guzzling hers because of course she has. But, they should reach the Desert Oasis diner the following evening if they keep a good pace. Then they realize it’s impossible for them to keep a good pace because Heather can’t walk on her sprained ankle and has to be helped the whole way. (And the only people who will help her are Todd and Ken.) Ultimately, it’s decided to leave Heather behind in a “safe” spot with a buddy and then the rest of the group will send help when they reach the diner. Ken is ready to be the buddy, but Jessica’s jealousy gets in the way and she winds up staying with Heather instead just so Ken won’t. And the rest of the group is like, Okay cool! Oh my god, you’re going to leave JESSICA and HEATHER together and assume they will survive? Now I know for sure that the rest of the group wants to just let them die. I wouldn’t trust either of those two to tie my damn shoes let alone survive by themselves in fuckin’ Death Valley for a couple days. Just in the last book Liz was going off on Todd for trusting her horrible sister, and now here she is trusting Jessica herself to keep Heather, someone who Jessica’s already almost gotten killed, alive and well. The fuck! To maybe help keep them alive, Liz gives them some of her water and two granola bars (although the way it was written, I at first thought she gave them ALL the remaining bars), and Todd leaves them a flare they can set off in case of emergency.
The remaining group of four – Liz, Todd, Ken, and Bruce – hikes off with tension starting to build up between Bruce and Todd as Bruce acts like he’s too good for things like sun hats and Todd’s father’s “nouveau” wealth. Bruce seriously just won’t shut the fuck up about anything. I think I’m supposed to read him as comedic relief, but I actually want to reach through the pages and slap him in the face with a bag of scorpions. Then Ken busts through the tension to happily point out a desert tortoise and it cracks me the fuck up for some reason. Then the gang come to a fork in the road and an argument starts about which side is best to take. This is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. If you take the right path, you’ll have to climb super high boulders and will add an extra day to your trip. If you take the lower left path, you’ll stay on track but could get caught in a flash flood if another storm comes. Bruce and Todd are mad that Liz, again the lone person who actually paid full attention in their pre-trip training classes, is worried over the possibility of a flash flood and trying to tell them what to do. Todd thinks about how shrill her voice is and tells her “I wish you’d stuff a sock in it”. Man, y’all know I’m not much of a Liz fan, but get bent, Todd. I really hate that this book doesn’t allow me to feel joy at someone telling Liz to shut up, because everyone else is acting like such jackasses. Finally, Todd and Bruce decide to take the lower canyon path, while Ken and Liz decide to try their luck hiking up the boulders. Todd gets jealous remembering how Ken and Liz used to hook up in the past and starts worrying it’s gonna happen again. Then as he hikes off with Bruce, he gets jealous again remembering how Liz cheated on him with Bruce and wants to “throttle” Bruce. This trip is hopeless. Bruce wastes no time showing Todd what a moron he was to want to stick with Bruce Patman of all people, by relentlessly ragging on him about how Ken and Liz are probably going to get it on in the rocks.
Back to Heather and Jessica … shock me shock me, they’re not getting along. Jessica lectures Heather about being in no position to make demands, then builds a fire while Heather cries softly, and they eat their dinner of half a granola bar each. Of course, Jessica is not going to admit to the shit she herself pulled that made the biggest contribution to them being in this mess – deliberately and sneakily leading everyone off their plotted course in the previous book. I can’t stand either of them at this point. But Jessica does show rare compassion and agrees to loan Heather her hairbrush, and then some paper from her notebook and a pen so Heather can write a journal entry. Jessica writes about how much she misses Ken. Heather writes about how Ken will never leave Jessica for her because Jessica is so beautiful and perfect and he loves her, and she talks about how bad she feels that she hurt her ankle because she insisted on wearing her dumb cheerleading shoes rather than her SVSS-issued hiking boots. Then Heather crumples the journal entry up and dramatically throws it into the fire. She thinks she hears noises in the brush and gets Jessica to get up and go look, but when Jessica comes back, she finds Heather opening a chocolate bar! Another food ration! Heather claims she had found it that morning, in her jacket or sleeping bag I guess. She claims she was going to split it with Jessica. Jessica doesn’t believe her, but is mollified when Heather hands her half of the bar, and the girls fall asleep. I like that the candy bar is apparently not melted after a day in the scorching hot desert.
Jessica wakes up to see the three convicts prowling around their campsite, snatching up Jessica’s gold rations and looking for Heather’s, which of course are also in the river unless Heather is going to magically come across those as well. Jessica keeps still so that the criminals don’t notice she’s awake until Heather also wakes and, of course, starts freakin’ screaming bloody murder.
Before we get a scene of the girls being axe-murdered, we cut back to Liz and Ken. They set up camp in the rocks and look at the stars, and there’s an unspoken attraction between them again. That tired plotline is older than the Jurassic. I thought all that shit just got resolved in the last mini-series, but they had to bring it up again for lack of any better drama. You know, Jessica has been such an asshole, I’m almost hoping they do hook up. Also because I definitely prefer Liz-Ken to Liz-Todd at this point, and I think Liz and Todd need to just accept their relationship is over and move on. Ken and Liz bond over the campfire and a game of cards, and keep seeming like they might hook up, but don’t. They distract themselves by each writing in their journals about how much they want to make out with each other right now. As Liz falls off to sleep, Ken comes over and kisses her goodnight on the cheek. Why did y’all break up again? I’m really not understanding why we’re supposed to think Jessica and Ken belong together when they keep going out of their way to show us that Ken and Liz are madly in love, especially now that Ken’s character has been revamped as the male version of Liz.
Bruce keeps ragging on Todd nonstop and I’m really surprised no Todd punches have been thrown. Now get ready for some bonkers shit. A big old rattlesnake creeps up on Todd for some reason, like just slithers on up and goes “Hey guys! What’s happenin’?” Todd leaps up to get the hell out of dodge, but Bruce throws a rock at the snake and stuns it, which would be the boys’ cue to move the fuck on because honestly, most snakes find humans frightening and they aren’t going to come after you if you just leave them the hell alone! But then Todd is like, great, I obviously haven’t had enough drama this trip so let me try some shit I saw on the Discovery Channel because I’m dying for a snake bite, and he actually goes to grab the snake by the tail to move it. What the fuck, Todd can’t read a map for shit and was just acting like he hates the outdoors now in the previous book, but he thinks he’s an expert snake handler? How fucking stupid. But before Todd can move/get bit by the snake, Bruce goes fucking batshit crazy. Warning, here comes some unusually graphic gore for these books because I have to tell you exactly what it says as I find it utterly bizarre. Bruce grabs a rock and smashes the snake to smithereens until it’s “utterly pulverized”, then lifts the rock over his head covered with “smashed snake guts” and with “an expression of insane exhilaration” leaving “a grotesque pile of blood and snakeskin”. I really wish I had a photo of my face when I read this. Bruce has been losing his damn mind all book long and this just takes the cake. I have a spontaneous image of a blood-spattered Bruce yelling “HE-MAAAAAAAAN!” and I am not impressed. By the way, I love snakes, so while I know shit happens I actually could’ve really done without that gory ass description. If you’re gonna ask me what do I expect and if I would just have the snake go on and bite Bruce and Todd, yes I would actually, because they’re both getting on my last damn nerve. And if he could then go slithering after Jessica and Heather next I would be satisfied. Anyway, Bruce mocks Todd for not being the true wilderness-survivor. Todd just shakes his head and goes to sleep.
The next day, Todd and Bruce are running out of water and doing more bitching, so Todd finds and cuts open a barrel cactus hoping to find water inside, because he apparently did pay attention to that part of the training class, but there’s only inedible pulp in there. Bruce, who hasn’t done shit to find any food and water other than complain and intimidate people, mocks him and I desperately need for him to get punched in the face. Todd reacts by abruptly sitting down and writing a spontaneous journal entry about how he’s got to see Liz. Then, Todd takes a cue from Jessica and quietly re-routes the trail without saying anything, just so they will end up running into Liz and Ken, because that’s how much he’s obsessing over this shit. How Todd, who they went to great pains to show us sucks at navigating in the last book, is supposed to effectively re-route them like that, or get them any place at all, is beyond me. Bruce soon figures out what he’s doing, loses his shit, and strides off without Todd.
Liz wakes up that same morning snuggled up against Ken, then Ken wakes up and spends some time telling her how great she is. I’m about to spend some time throwing up. Then they have to hike up a sheer, treacherous rock face. Liz goes first and somehow gets way higher than Ken, then the rock starts to crumble. There are no other handholds available and she’s about to lose her grip and die and Ken is too far behind to catch her. Not to worry, Bruce is sitting up there at the top of the rock, writing in his journal with “an expensive fountain pen” about Liz at that very moment, because everyone is obsessed with her! He hears Liz scream and leans over to pull her up to safety and I guess it’s supposed to show character building?! I fully expected him to drop her with how crazy he’s been acting all mini-series long. And get this. He has to choose to save her or his gold. I can’t even write this without cracking the fuck up and I’m totally sober at the moment. See, apparently Bruce just carries his gold stash around in his hand, never letting it out of his sight. And so he still has it in his hand as he leans over to grab Liz, but then he has to put the gold down because he needs his other hand. Just then, a huge BALD EAGLE flies on up and starts to go for the gold! I’m not lying to y’all, that’s what is happening and I’m screaming. He’s all flapping and squawking and stretching out his massive, terrifying talons for Bruce’s precious stash. Bruce seems like he’s considering dropping Liz until he looks deep into her eyes and remembers what it felt like to make out with her in her bikini! I’m dead serious, that’s what sways him. He resists the temptation to let her drop and throws the gold down next to him, so that he can use both hands to pull her up, as the eagle STEALS THE GOLD and flies off with it. WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHO WROTE THIS? Bravo, ’cause my God I’m lucky I didn’t piss myself laughing at this. By the way, I’m pissed that eagle isn’t on the cover. He is the real hero.
If you even still care what’s happening with the convicts, well, they’re currently loping around making menacing remarks at a tied-up Jessica and Heather, demanding to know where the rest of the gold is, even though they searched Jessica’s bag and can see there isn’t any more. Jessica names the two most evil convicts Moe and Larry after two of the Three Stooges, but she names the nice, kinda cute, curly-haired one Jack. Jack is the only one who doesn’t have a gun, and he feeds Heather and Jessica beef jerky, granola bars and water and tries to get the other two not to hurt them. The convicts find the flare Todd gave them and get the bright idea to set it off to get the rest of their friends to come back, so they can steal their gold, too. Won’t that also alert the authorities who are actively looking for the escaped convicts in this area? Nobody in this book has a brain! Bruce, Todd, and Liz see the flare go off and take off. Now, I know Liz was about to hump Ken in his sleeping bag last night but now she has literally forgotten he exists until he shouts up at her from down below the rocky boulder she just climbed. Ken is going to follow along separately from the other three and they are just ALL going to go back to where they left Heather and Jessica even though they have no food or water and some of them are close to reaching civilization. I’m so confused. Although, apparently they weren’t all that far away from where they left H and J anyway, because they seem to make it back in record time.
Todd, Bruce, and Liz arrive at Heather and Jessica’s campsite first and don’t understand why they’re just standing there not saying anything until they realize they’re tied up, and then the convicts jump out to menace them. Bruce says he has gold in his pack but they have to get it themselves because he’s tired and they’re all like, hur hur, okay! As Larry digs through his pack for gold, Liz shudders with the memory of the bald eagle’s giant gold-stealin’ talons rather than at the guns currently pointed at her. Then Bruce yells “Watch out! A bobcat!” to distract Larry, and jumps him while his back is turned, but Moe runs up and pistol-whips him. Smooth move, Bruce. Liz hands over her own gold and says that’s all there is and the convicts believe her. What happened to Todd’s gold? He must’ve lost it or gotten rid of it and I forgot … or the writer did, haha.
Ken sneaks up on the campsite and Jessica sees him. To help Ken launch the next surprise attack, she flirts wildly with Larry, who agrees to come over and loosen her ropes and is all “Aw shucks, this girl I’ve terrorized thinks I’m sexy.” Then Ken leaps out and kicks Larry in the stomach and gets the gun, but Moe intervenes once again and stomps on Ken’s wrist to make him drop it, then calls him “golden boy” and makes him hand over his gold. There’s a large clap of thunder, and Larry jumps and fires a random shot in the air making everyone scream. Liz plants an idea that it’s not safe to stay on the rocks, so Moe and Larry are like, “Great idea, princess”, and decide to tie the group up and leave them on top of the rocks to get hit by lightning while they hustle down to safety below. Jack tries to talk them out of this plan, earning admiration from the rest of the group, but he soon gives up and shuffles off with the others like Eeyore. If anyone is trying to figure out where Todd’s gold is, I missed it. I really think this book is so unreal it made me blank on a plot point, but with this series, who knows right? As soon as the convicts have left, the teens free themselves and take off down a rock again. Then they hear a scream and see Jack caught in the rapidly rising river, in one of those flash floods Liz kept harping about. They decide Jack is a nice guy so they team up to save him. Then Heather almost drowns. Jack saves her, and Bruce comforts a sobbing Heather even though he hates her with the fire of a thousand suns. He must’ve decided he wants to hook up again.
The teens and Jack shelter under a rock outcropping and keep making a point to overconfidently state that Larry and Moe surely drowned in the flash flood. Foreshadowing! Jack declines to tell the teens his real name, but he tells them his sob story and wins their affection. See, Moe and Larry are crazed murderers, whereas Jack was sent to prison for 10 years after he was “talked into” committing an armed robbery. In fact, Moe is a domestic terrorist who has killed countless people through bombings in “urban residential areas”! After a few years of prison, Jack decided to break out so he could escape over the border to Mexico, where he’ll send for his beloved girlfriend. But Moe and Larry caught him trying to escape and demanded he take them with him because they had heard the Death Valley gold legends and wanted to find the gold for themselves! So they busted out of the prison, which if I didn’t already mention is conveniently next to Death Valley, and headed right out to do that, dragging poor Jack, the lone unarmed criminal in the bunch, with them. Hey, it’s not all bad, Jack brought a tin of his girlfriend’s homemade brownies! He shares them with the teens and I am wondering if they’re about to be high as fuck. Wait, are you allowed to receive baked goods in prison? The gang decides that Jack is really nice and trustworthy.
The gang is relieved that at least they no longer have any of the cursed gold. They don’t? Then Jessica reveals actually they do, because when the convicts weren’t looking she dug through Moe’s bag and re-stole Ken’s share. Nobody is worried about Jack hearing all this because he’s established himself as a friendly guy who just accidentally fell into a life of crime. Liz orders Jessica to bury the gold on the trail next to a cactus and she pretends to, but sticks it back in her bag instead when nobody’s looking. Oh, god. And in case you were worried, the gang also makes sure to refill their water bottles with fresh falling rain!
The group reaches a cave. Suddenly, Moe’s arm pops out of the cave entrance, grabs Liz and drags her into it. That somehow disturbs some bats and they all come flapping out of the cave and everyone screams and flails at the “angry bats” as they attack their faces, what? What is this, Kiss of the Vampire? Moe menaces Liz with a knife while everyone screams and hollers. In an effort to save Liz, Jessica pulls out the gold she secretly kept and gives it to Moe, but no dice because Moe is really excited about slicing and dicing Liz. They haven’t gotten to murder in a while and they are desperate to; odd how they missed all the other opportunities they had to off the whole group! Larry doesn’t understand why no one else is excited at Liz’s impending doom because Moe is an “artist” at murder and it will be fun to watch. Then Larry remembers how Jessica flirted with him before and starts trying to start something with her again. At the same time, Jack inches toward Moe and tries to talk him out of killing Liz, but Moe is eager to kill her off, just like the rest of us might be at this point in the series. So Jessica creates a stupid distraction by clutching her stomach and hollering about how the untreated water they had earlier must’ve gotten her. Moe yells to shut her up, and while that distraction is ongoing, Jack tackles Moe and they fight, but then Moe just shoots Jack through the heart and that’s that.
Moe decides to reward Larry for being a good fellow escapee by allowing him to kill the other five teens. Larry goes for Jessica first, but just as he’s about to shoot her, there’s the sound of a jetliner or a helicopter or an alien spaceship flying overhead. Moe goes to check it out after threatening Larry for some reason, and Jessica pleads with Larry not to shoot her. He finally relents and leaves, but first he angrily fires off all of the remaining shots in his gun into the cave ceiling for some undetermined reason. He must’ve been watching Point Break back in the pen and got inspired. But the shots cause a cave-in, and the teens are trapped!
The teens try to pull out the rocks from the entrance to escape, but determine it’s no use and start complaining they’re running out of air. It’s also totally dark, and nobody but Liz has a flashlight because apparently these geniuses all ditched theirs when they were trying to make room for the gold. The teens decide to explore back further in the cave for another way out, but first, even though they just bitched about running out of air, pause to bury Jack’s body and cry about it some more. Exploring the back of the cave, they eventually run into a river and then it suddenly rises and they all get trapped and Liz drops her flashlight so they’re all drowning in the dark. Everyone starts frantically shouting out their goodbyes and I love yous and just then, the water magically recedes right as their heads touch the top of the cave ceiling, and they all drop to the cave floor again. But, they’re still trapped and without any food or water since nobody thought to search Jack’s body for any before they buried him.
Then Ken decides to spend his last breaths punching the cave wall in frustration, and his fist goes right through it. Hey! It’s only shale! They all bust through it and find themselves 50 yards from the Desert Oasis 7-Eleven. How convenient! Wait, it’s a 7-Eleven? I thought it was a diner?! Who cares, they’re saved! Joy.
A few days later, the kids head to the SVSS offices to meet up with Brad and Kay, the adult “leaders” who trained them for a couple days and then pitched them into the desert unsupervised. Nobody is mad at the kids for not following the rules and being a bunch of dumb fucks or anything like that and they don’t get anything worse than a raised eyebrow. As it turns out, Brad and Kay did send that rescue plane or whatever that everyone heard, and it picked up Moe and Larry instead and they’re in big trouble now! Liz explains the whole story about the gold, and shares the diary papers and a single remaining gold nugget. Brad takes one look at that stuff and can tell that the “gold” is pyrite (fool’s gold) and the diary is a clever reproduction with recent binding and paper. Not so smart are you now, Liz? Brad shrugs and says that it was probably a theater group that left that stuff out there as a fun exercise or something. Okay. Jessica is like, I guess they left the skeletons too and those were fake, but nobody gives a fuck about making sure.
The kids return to school and are lauded as heroes but make a big deal out of the fact they don’t like gold and now prefer silver. Oh, and if you care, the two couples in the group realized they can’t live without one another thanks to this ordeal.
I hate everyone in this book so much.
This mini-series totally reminded me of a video game, like a desert version of Oregon Trail, if somebody made a shitty rip-off version.
WTF: This book completely changes the narrative of how these kids wound up being the chosen ones for the SVSS trip. In the last book it told us the whole school was forced to enter an essay contest and these six won. Now it says that they were hand-picked by school leadership because they were “the top student leaders at Sweet Valley High” and “based on their special individual accomplishments”; e.g., Todd is captain of the basketball team, Ken is football team quarterback, Jessica and Heather co-lead the cheerleading team, etc. LOL, I love the way they just totally leave out scholarly achievement, except in Liz’s case. This actually makes MORE sense to me because we could all see this group gets special privileges as it is. I do recall that near the end of the previous book, there was some odd mention from Todd or someone about how they were supposed to be setting a good example since they were “the leaders” of their school. I figure this part of the plot was changed later on in the editing process to make things sound more plausible and the opening of the mini-series just got completely overlooked.
Quote from Todd, talking about Heather: “Jessica, she lost her backpack – have a little patience and compassion. I’ll find you a dictionary so you can look those words up.”
Jessica longs for her “forest-scented bubble bath”. What does forest-scented smell like? Pine needles and bear poop?
Bruce Patman quote: “There’s nothing more dangerous than loyalty.”
Here’s Jessica reminding us how old this book is: “It will be March of the year 2000 before we get back to the Oasis.” Man, remember when 2000 seemed very far away still? Now it does, but that’s because it actually is, in the other direction!
The group sees a fox and keep calling it a “wild fox”. Were they expecting to see domesticated foxes in the desert?
Ken goes on and on about his deep love and knowledge of astronomy. Ken, you just get smarter and smarter in every book.
Bruce says something is “more stupider” and that about sums up everything for me.
Bruce talking about the twins to Todd: “Well, I have, in fact, kissed both girls myself. And between you and me, Todd, neither one is really that hot.” I mean, Todd has also kissed both of them, and so has Ken, so you aren’t really that special, Bruce.
When Jessica is trying to flirt with Larry to distract him, we learn she considers herself “the sexy seductress of Sweet Valley High”.
Liz thinks about how much she wants to marry Todd and have his babies. Hahaha, dream on Liz.
Coming up next: A couple of Super Thrillers, although I think they technically make up yet another mini-series!