A 30-something's lovingly sarcastic journey through all of Sweet Valley High, and then some (with lots of swears)

#16 Rags to Riches


Roger’s mom is dead, it turns out he’s really the “illegitimate” son of Bruce Patman’s uncle, and suddenly Roger PATMAN is super rich and living in the Patman mansion! I’ll give you one guess who’s all over that. Jessica “Supabitch” Wakefield heads right over to the Patman’s party honoring Roger, now that he’s a “true” Patman and all. (I guess so long as his mom was alive, he wasn’t really a part of their family. What the fuck?) Jessica is ridiculous sucking up to Mrs. Patman. The Patmans, by the way, talk like total snotty idiots. They make Roger feel stupid because he likes to run, wants to be a doctor, and doesn’t know which fork is which at the dinner table. Oh, and because he spills wine all over Mrs. Patman’s dinner guest. Way to go, Rog! Meanwhile, Jessica is busy trying to make Olivia Davison, Roger’s girl, feel equally stupid so she’ll figure out that she isn’t right for the new Roger. How does she do this? Well, she:

  • -Pretends to be Olivia’s brand new best best friend so Olivia will listen to everything she says about “impressing” the Patmans
    -Encourages Olivia to wear her typical artsy/indie clothes to a Patman gathering, and her old run-down sweats to a tennis game
    -Starts dressing all preppy again, I guess like she did when she was with Bruce
    -Encourages Olivia to play tennis to begin with, so that Jess can show off her skills while Olivia looks clumsy and stupid
    -Gets Olivia to get a full plate of food at the Patman barbecue, plus a second plate with dessert, or something, so that everyone will think she is a huge pig. (Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?)
    -Somehow gets Olivia involved in a diving contest at the Patman’s pool, in which she of course belly-flops while Jess does a beautiful swan dive

Ultimately, Olivia freaks out and dumps Roger, who consoles himself by deciding to take Jessica to some dance at the Patman house (after she makes up a story about Olivia planning to humiliate Roger at the party by standing him up — and Roger is stupid enough, and apparently doesn’t know his girlfriend well enough, that he believes Jessica). Then, he changes his mind with the help of Liz, who was kind enough to shed some light on the situation, and lets Olivia know he still loves her in front of everyone … awwwww.

The sub-plot: Regina Morrow is seen around town a lot with an older man, and everyone is just scandalized, until it’s revealed he’s really her modeling agent, and she’s going to be on the next cover of Ingenue magazine with a special story about overcoming being deaf. Lila tries to scam the cover from her, but the agent, Lane Townsend, tells Lila her face would “look flat” in modeling pictures. Hilarious! Also, the sub-plot reveals that Regina is deaf because her mother took too many diet pills when she was pregnant with her.

WTF? I was surprised that this book had a lot of these. For starters:

*What kind of HS cafeteria serves Hungarian goulash? Apparently, SVHS!

*Bruce wears a little Speedo at the swimming pool, and Todd and George make jokes about how tiny it is, calling it a “Band-Aid” while staring at his crotch. Ummmm … gay much?

*Liz is a stupid dumbass bitch and thinks that Jessica actually genuinely likes Olivia. Come on Liz, really?

*Jessica is still with Neil or whatever, although not seriously, but she pretty much ignores him in her quest to get Roger to date her. However, thankfully Neil’s still there as a safety date to the Patmans’ big party once Roger comes to his senses and drops her as his date. Is Neil a loser or what?

*The bottom line is that everyone in this book is an idiot.

*Oh, yeah, I’m confused about something, but I guess I need to go back to book 3 and check … didn’t Jessica hang out with the Patmans before, when she was dating Bruce? So how does Mrs. Patman not have a clue who she is? She must be a total lush.

*When Lila’s talking about Regina running around with Lane, she implies that they must be doing it because “everyone knows what older men are like.” Seriously? Is no one else having sex in this town except Bruce?

*Speaking of Lila, she brings some dude named Drake Howard to the Patmans’ big party.

The cover: Roger is wearing a double-popped collar. You gotta be kidding me. I seriously cannot believe what I am looking at. I must not know enough about 80s style. Jessica is wearing the same tank top she had on the last cover, but in pink this time, and she’s clearly not wearing a bra. Roger looks like this kid I went to high school with!

In the back of the book: Nothing really.

What’s next: Shirtwaist-wearing Caroline (see a previous entry for a picture of a shirtwaist!) apparently has some kind of super romantic boyfriend … or does she?

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Comments on: "#16 Rags to Riches" (1)

  1. This blog has me in stitches…it’s fucking hilarious! 😁😁😁

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