A 30-something's lovingly sarcastic journey through all of Sweet Valley High, and then some (with lots of swears)

Woo hoo! Somewhat mollifying my annoyance at the little slide show “trailer”, the official Sweet Valley Confidential page has put up some new content. Under “Remember It” at the top, you can find “Meet the Characters” bios – with, naturally, Liz’s being the first one featured – as well as the original SVH covers and blurbs from the first ten books. The bios might contain tiny teasers about what we’ll find in the new book. Todd Wilkins’ bio says “…did Todd trade twins again?” I’m tempted to just go “Well, duh” but I hope Francine has a trick up her sleeve with that one.

Bruce Patman’s bio asks some weird questions.

“Remember those rumors about him and Jess? Did he really date Regina Morrow just to improve his image and win an election? What’s with him and Lila Fowler? 10 years later, what’s with him and LIZ??”

What rumors about him and Jess? Did I not read far enough into the series yet, or are they talking about book 3? Maybe Francine is finally going to admit that Bruce made like a thief in the night with that golden cherry. But I thought the Regina Morrow question was answered in book 18. Yeah, he really liked her, he just couldn’t keep it up for too long. The Lila Fowler question, I assume, refers to whatever happened between them in Sweet Valley University. Or is it hinting that they are going to hook up in Confidential? (Please?) And we already know from the Chapter 1 preview that Liz considers Bruce her best friend. Please please please don’t let this mean anything further than that, like they are going to hook up or something. I can’t stand to read about Liz crying all over Bruce’s junk after she orgasms.

The depth of my hatred for Liz is starting to scare me a little.

Alright, so Winston’s bio asks if he’s still pining over Jessica ten years after the fact. Haha, well I hope Winston’s living better than that, I really do. Um, but how about the website author(s) putting up the picture of him from the SVH board game, because he/she had no choice? That is the only (non-TV show) pic of him that exists, to the best of my knowledge. He looks like Mr. Collins’ older, less popular brother in that picture! Oh, Winston! I’m so sorry that you were wronged in this way 😦

Then we have Lila’s bio. I am not at all amused by the question that it asks: “Will Lila be a main character in Sweet Valley Confidential?” The main insinuation that she may not be around is not even slightly funny! This is one girl that must never be killed off!

And lastly, some mention of Enid. We’re supposed to wonder if Enid and Liz are still best friends. I wonder why the question in Lila’s bio doesn’t show up in Enid’s where it belongs! Because really … who needs Enid?

The book covers and synopses are cool to scroll through, but um, the description for book 3 decidedly does not match the plot. I think the wrong one was listed with it on Amazon.com too.

If you go check the new site stuff out, make sure you also click on the Quizzes tab at the top.  It tells you which of the four female characters profiled matches your own personality. You guys, I am so sad – I just finished taking it and it said, I can’t say it … I AM ELIZABETH. Now, it said the same for 51% of the quiz-takers, but, aaaaaaaah. A little piece of me has just died. And somewhere, a Wakefield laughs and laughs, the cruel glint of condescension still fixed in her blue-green ocean eyes …


Comments on: "Character Bios on the SV Confidential Page" (4)

  1. I got Lila, and I’m not mad.

  2. I ACTUALLY READY THAT BOOK! The one that they accidentally have for book 3. I found it at my library and took it out because it had the same name!

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