A 30-something's lovingly sarcastic journey through all of Sweet Valley High, and then some (with lots of swears)

#60 That Fatal Night

This is some bullshit. NOBODY DIES, NOTHING'S FATAL

DISCLAIMER!!! I just got back from a holiday party and I am totally fucking drunk!

I had a good laugh over this cover. I’d seen it many a time, but looking at it now, it’s clear that Terri (she of the odd hair) is trying to strangle Ken. He doesn’t realize what’s happening since he’s blind and all, but look at her! See that devious look in her eye? That hand casually sliding up around his throat? “I’ll teach you to pine for Amy Sutton, fool!”

Speaking of Amy Sutton, she is indeed all about some Ken Matthews. Ken doesn’t seem to be all about her as much, though. Honestly, I don’t know who I would pair Ken up with these days. Bleaaaaugh, whatever. The chocolate cake shot is a hell of a shot. Oh oops, I’m supposed to be talking about Sweet Valley High. Why am I trying to write this after a holiday party? I hope this comes out at least 1/16th as intelligible as it’s supposed to be! I’m ruining my burgeoning writing career!

This book introduces us to Terri Adams. Who? Yeah, me too. Terri is the assistant statistician for the Sweet Valley Gladiators and she has a mad crush on Ken. Her group of friends include Shelley Novak, Jim Roberts, Jennifer Mitchell, John Pfeifer, some sophomore linebacker named Zack Johnson (who’s always on the bench – ha ha!) and Kristin Thompson. Hey, that explains why we never heard of Terri, because we never hear jack about most of those characters either. How convenient, just toss her in with all the other kids that made good one-time cover models in the 50s. Anyway, Zack is crazy about April Dawson – I know that name because she appears on the cover of The Girl They Both Loved, one of the books I’m least looking forward to reviewing in the future. The cover of that one makes me want to vomit profusely. Oh but wait, we’re supposed to be talking about THIS book. Okay, so all the kids go to a post-game party in Ken’s honor, at Amy’s house where she spends the evening literally slobbering all over Ken in front of everyone. Ken is a little weirded out about it because he doesn’t consider his “relationship” with Amy serious or anything. Amy fucking sucks. Meanwhile, Terri thinks about how down-to-earth and sweet Ken is not to let his football fame go to his head. What the fuck? Football is his life, since when is he humble about it? Amy’s parties SUCK, by the way. God! Remember that snoozefest she hosted back in Last Chance? Now she’s serving orange juice and hanging around a refreshment table while Ken stands around pretending to speak German or some shit. Yawwwwwn. Where’s the vodka? At least Terri gets the chance to talk with Ken about football stats, and even though she’s the team’s assistant statistician, he’s still shocked by how much she knows about football. Kill me. Amy gets pissed off that Ken is chatting with Terri and gives her a snotty glare. Amy, go drown yourself in the punch bowl, because I hate you. Also, tonight I spilled drinks all over this girl’s floor not once but three times, and it was really embarrassing.

It’s a really rainy night and Ken gets in an accident after the party with some middle-aged drunk driver man, and everyone is all sad and then Ken loses his eyesight and no one can say for how long because every fucking doctor in this series blows a colossal sack of dicks. Uh, so, the man that made Ken smash into a tree is sad and Ken goes away to a clinic in “Hollyfield” for a month to work on his sight. What? What the fuck, it’s book 60 and we’re still in the fall. I’m know I’m drunk and all, but what the fuck is up with that timeline. FRANCIINE TIMELINE WHAT. So uh, Amy freaks out when she realizes Ken is blind, and dumps him for Scott Trost, after Scott is named the new quarterback. Ken eventually comes back to school and feels like a dick because half the kids are afraid to use the word “see” around him, and act all fucking weird. Liz, of course, helps Terri out who wants to get closer to Ken. I HATE LIZ. Why? I don’t know, I’m just a bitch I guess. Amy yells at Terri in front of everyone about how the accident was her fault – because you know, Terri sent the drunk driver into Ken’s path and all. The worst part is that Terri agrees with Amy and feels bad. WHAT THE FUCK!!! JUST ONCE, just once, it would be good to have a chick stand up for herself. If that was me, I’d be all, LOOK BITCH. I WAS NOT THE DRUNK DRIVER. FUCK OFF AND GO KILL SOMEONE’S EX GIRLFRIEND LIKE YOU DID REGINA OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I SAID IT I SAID IT and then there’d be a mad throw-down. Sorry I guess this school is a wee bit different than mine

Terri starts hanging out with Liz and Ken and she helps Ken out, and Ken can’t handle it because even though he didn’t like Amy that much, he is hurt she already dumped him for Scott. And he’s afraid Terri doesn’t really like him, so he’s mean to her, but then he falls for Terri anyway and they eventually meet on the beach (North Haven Beach) and start walking and talking about the sunset, and make out, and then Ken realizes that he can indeed see the sunset even though he’s blind, and now we can see that yes, he will regain his sight woo wooooooo the next person that plays FELIZ NAVIDAD will have to answer to me

Christmastime is here, and I so wish I was reviewing some Christmasy SV books instead, but we’re not quite up to those yet. Would you guys hate me if I deviated and did a review of a Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller for the season instead?

WTF? I had a hard time writing this entry. For starters, I’m still drunk, and then December has been a busy month, and I felt weird speed-reading this between working on some nonsense. But I HATE Amy Sutton. Also, this book was just weird. It felt like it was way too short for the serious subject matter contained within. But I can tell you that there is a new Sweet Valley rival called Southside and SV loses to them because Scott Trost is a piece of shit. The game just really serves to illustrate how SV is NOTHING without Ken, NOTHING do y’all hear me

Liz decides to throw Ken a surprise party at lunch with a sheet cake and everything. Enid wants to punch Lila in the face after she makes some remarks about how Ken won’t be able to see the cake or anything. ah ahahaha Can you see Enid getting beat down by Lila ’cause I can!!!

Who the hell is named Enid anyway, I’ve never heard that name on ANYONE or anything, save The Aenid of Greek mythology

There’s all kinds of bullshit about how wise and great Liz is, oh ye great goddess of knowledge, fuck you Liz I will never worship at your altar

OH YEAH. Liz suggests that Terri walk around her house blindfolded for a few hours to see how Ken feels. You guys can think I am a dick if you want, but I’m literally sitting here cracking the fuck up at that scene right now. I don’t know why. HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA however, when I read it, I couldn’t wait to try the same thing.

EDIT to add: Liz lurks around the bathroom door wanting to know why Terri is taking so long in there. No, really. I hate people who do that! What if Terri was just in there trying to take a shit? Guh. I hate when people are all “Was everything okay in there? Why did you take so long?” I’m glad you are so fascinated with my bathroom habits that you have to interrogate me about them! Liz reminds me of a nosy kid sister! Even funnier is when Liz is all offended by a comment Jessica makes about Ken being blind .., she’s all, Oh wow, that’s strange of Jess to be that insensitive. Really? Really? Who’s the blind one here, Liz or Ken?

In the back of the book is THE BEST SV CONTEST EVER!!! All you had to do was write a New Year’s Resolution and send it in, plus the name of your favorite Sweet Valley book, and if you won you’d get that book autogroped by Francine! Oh my god, I wrote “autogroped” not autographed, lord have mercy. This is an open invitation to whoemver won that contest, please contact me, I want to know what happened!

The sub-plot: Jessica is dating Skip Harmon again and he’s a self-centered piece of shit. I guess Jess somehow didn’t notice this the first time she dated him back in book 10. And he has a brand new red Ferrari. WTF!!!! Is he as rich as Bruce? I’m confused! Jessica decides she hates Skip. I hate him too, I hate everyone in this series

Y’all wanna know why I hate Amy Sutton? This book should be all the proof you need of what a ridiculous bitch she is! Go find it and read it! She only likes Ken ’cause she thinks he’s going to be a NFL player one day. And when she hears he was in an accident, her main concern is if he can still play football! BITCH.

Coming up next … It’s the start of a brand new sub-series, the SUPER STARS series in which various secondary SV characters get their own dumb stories, first up is LILA FOWLER with one of my favorite SV books of all time. Hold on LIz, I’ma let you finish, but Lila Fowler had one of the best SV books of all time. OF ALL TIME

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Comments on: "#60 That Fatal Night" (8)

  1. That cover is effing hilarious. I set it as my desktop background. Ken looks like a freaking corpse.
    And the blindfolding. Dear God.

    • Isn’t it though? Ha ha ha! My boyfriend laughed so hard when he saw that cover that he was almost in tears. And that whole blindfolding thing was nuts. it only takes Terri five minutes to understand how Ken feels about being blind and to notice how beautiful the songs of birds outside sound.

  2. pibetaalpha said:

    I thought that Ken was really mean to Terri in this book. Terri, of course, is so self-sacrificing and blinking back tears and determining to be “more understanding.” It kind of reminds me of Val Kilmer being such a jerk to Mira Sorvino in At First Sight. Though, to be, probably the most doormatish case in this series is Cara, for the stuff that she allows Steve to get away with.

  3. Dude, I could NOT stop laughing all the way through this entry. Seriously you need to post drunk more often coz you really let that shit flag fly. And we LOVES IT!!

    • Ha ha! I don’t know what got into me with this one. I’m just glad it still turned out okay, it could’ve been SO much worse hahaha

  4. I know I’m reading this like four years after everybody else, but this shit is fucking EPIC. favorite entry yet. 🙂

  5. “Liz lurks around the bathroom door wanting to know why Terri is taking so long in there. No, really. I hate people who do that! What if Terri was just in there trying to take a shit?”

    Miss Snark, you owe me a new pair of underwear coz I just pissed the pair I’m wearing laughing. You should always write drunk. And again I say, if you’re not a comedy writer then you have missed your calling girl.

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