A 30-something's lovingly sarcastic journey through all of Sweet Valley High, and then some (with lots of swears)

Archive for June, 2017

Prom Perfect: Moonlight and Roses

What in the heeeeeelllll

Well, I’ve been slow as molasses in wintertime (a favorite expression! Maybe I picked it up from everybody’s favorite anything-not-California-smearing SVH Super Edition Spring Fever) getting up my next review! I promise I’ve been reading that next book (#101, The Boyfriend War), and it is a DOOZY and I hope to have that review up within the next week. In the meantime, here is something short and sweet to tide you over. I managed to get my hands on the last Sweet Valley High doll booklet, Moonlight and Roses, which came with the Prom Perfect boxed set of Elizabeth and Jessica Barbie-like toys, dressed in all their drink spikin’, Jeep wreckin’, boyfriend killin’ finery, OH NO SHE DIDN’TTTTTT. (I am not saying I have had anything to drink this evening, but I am also not saying I have NOT had anything to drink.) My Saturday nights are so weird sometimes. Anyway! For real y’all, did you see that booklet image above? Click on it if you need to enlarge the detail, but I am pretty sure that this booklet is supposed to show the same outfits that Jessica and Elizabeth were wearing in A Night to Remember. Forget what was on the cover of that book – I remember thinking at the time that the outfits on the outside didn’t really look like what was described on the pages inside. Well, the outfits on this booklet’s cover, especially Elizabeth’s, sound much closer! So, that means back in the day, kids could get doll versions of Elizabeth wearing the dress she killed Sam in and Jess in the dress she also killed Sam in! Kinda fucked up, amirite. Oh well, at least the dolls didn’t come with accessories, like a bloodied Prom Queen sash or a big bottle of Everclear with two mini red solo cups.

So, now that I see Liz’s …. get-up … on the cover of this booklet, I think I’m not a fan. I guess Liz’s drank was spiked too heavily and she thought this was an audition for the Swan Lake ballet instead of prom. Jessica looks like a 1990s cruise ship singer with those sequins. Or Dynasty if Dynasty had lasted into the ’90s. There is some kind of ruffly ass bow/flower thing on Jessica’s right shoulder that I am not digging. The skirt is supposed to be full, knee-length and layered with more sequins which I think doesn’t match what was in A Night to Remember, but I am too lazy to go back and look. I think it just said that dress was tight and off-shoulder. Nice touch with the twins sporting matching earrings, although for some reason Liz’s have one extra pearl.

The story in this one is far less interesting than the funky, Pepto Bismol-pink cover. Jessica comes home late for dinner from a prom committee meeting, and the whole family is at the table eating, including Steven. What else would he be doing with himself? It’s not like he’d rather be at college. Steven rags on Jessica a bit and we hear about how Liz made dinner and Jessica and the prom committee have been disorganized and having a hard time picking the prom theme, so they ultimately settled on something “classic” (AKA boring), Moonlight and Roses, where the theme is … candles and shit. Haha, this is way more formal than Jungle Prom. Maybe this prom story really does take place after the Jungle Prom, and the kids learned their lessons to the point they’re just having the most boring-ass prom ever to be safe!

Jessica is hoping to be Prom Queen in this story, of course, but she’s slightly worried Liz might win, even though Liz has shown no interest in the title. LOL, that’s what you think, Jessica.

Jessica reminds Liz that they need to shop for prom dresses, and Liz surprises Jess by saying she already got one when she went shopping with Enid. Later, Liz shows Jess her dress, which is the “deep rose” dress we see on the cover. Jess loves the dress, but Liz says she doesn’t really feel like herself in it. Gee, I wonder where this is going. The next day, Jessica hurries to the mall and shops by herself. Unable to find a dress she likes, she settles on the blue one Liz is wearing on the cover. The night of prom arrives, and the girls are hurriedly getting dressed when they realize they’d each rather be wearing the other’s dress, and they switch! Wooooooooo. The girls get their dates and head off to prom. Of course Todd is Liz’s date, but who is Jessica’s? Oh, it can’t be Sam! We can’t go THERE. In this alternate universe, Jessica’s date is Aaron Dallas. Why do I feel like Aaron is always Jessica’s backup date for everything? (Maybe it’s just ’cause they put those two together in Sweet Valley Twins.) When they get to the prom, Liz proclaims the prom “magical” and says, “We’ll always remember this night.” OH YOU BETCHA YOU WILL, LIZZIE. Better put that Dixie cup down! I guess in this alternate universe, Sam doesn’t exist so this is the nicey-nice prom they should’ve had, in the world where Jessica isn’t a narcissist wreaking destruction everywhere she goes and Liz isn’t the doormat who will always forgive her eventually (even if takes a knife-wielding clone of herself to make her do it).

The book ends with another one of those cop-out questions for the reader: “Will Jessica be voted Prom Queen? Or will Elizabeth win? Maybe both of the twins will be elected … YOU DECIDE!” Oh, we know how this one really ended. I’m not going to decide a different ending than that one, because to be honest it would probably even worse!

So yeah, that’s that! I gotta get going. Thank you for reading my bizarre musings, and I’ll see you guys in a few days for my review of the next story, which is a good one for summer. 🙂

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