The World of Sweet Valley: Meet Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield (A free promotional book)

This next book that I’m going to recap is quite a bit different from the others. In truth, I didn’t even know it existed until someone sent it to me several years ago.

As you can see from the cover, this book was a free promotional item handed out with purchase of any book in any Sweet Valley series. It’s not technically a Sweet Valley High book, although that is the series it talks about the most – it was released under the overarching brand “The World of Sweet Valley.” The copyright date is June 1994. The book is surprisingly easy to find online; you can order used copies from various vendors on Amazon.com, for example. Still, I don’t think it’s worth it for any but the most die-hard Sweet Valley fan as this is almost entirely content you can get elsewhere, as I’ll soon explain, since I’m recapping it anyway because it’s what I want to do with my life today.

The cover shows twin art from four of the series running at the time:

• Sweet Valley High (debuted October 1983; twins age 16 and in grade 11)
  • See how they have the twins’ faces in a big neon heart? You could actually get that heart somehow as a light-up wall sign. I saw where someone posted a photo of hers once. When I think about seeing the twins staring down at me from within a glowing wall-heart, I feel frightened.
• Sweet Valley Twins (debuted July 1986; twins age 12 and in grade 6 – something does not compute)
  • At the time this book was released, the series had been renamed “Sweet Valley Twins and Friends” (& I recall hating the new name)
  • The artwork (lower left corner) is from the SVT book The Great Boyfriend Switch
• Sweet Valley Kids (debuted October 1989; twins age 7 and in grade 2)
  • I dislike this artwork, which is not what the twins originally looked like on the covers when the Kids series first debuted.
• Sweet Valley University (debuted September 1993; twins age 18 and college freshmen)
  • The photo is from the first book in the series, College Girls. The cover models are pretty, but they look older than 18 to me.

The book contains samples from all four of these series. Interestingly, there’s no mention of The Unicorn Club, which was a new series out for just 6 months when this book came out. You’d think they’d want to promote the hell out of that!

On the back of the book, there’s a brief letter from Francine Pascal:

The book opens with Elizabeth narrating (of course). She babbles on about herself and her twin, California girls bla bla, then gets into the theme of the excerpts, which is “twin switches”. Oddly, the book doesn’t tell us exactly which book each excerpt is from (or even which series, although that part is obvious for anyone who pays attention). Not sure this is the best way to promote the books to people who are reading this book because the promo attracted them to the series for the first time, but ok.

The first excerpt, from the Kids series, is supposedly how the twin switching “all started.” I don’t recognize this excerpt, but I think it’s from Sweet Valley Kids #16, Jessica the TV Star (1991). Todd’s house is being used to film some kind of TV special. Todd has a bit part and has been asked to find a girl to star with him in the brief clip, so he picks Elizabeth … only Liz is home sick from school that day, so he mistakenly asks Jessica instead. Jessica shows up for filming pretending to be her sister, but can’t handle that Todd has the only speaking part in the clip – answering a phone – and she’s supposed to just sit there, so she tries to grab the phone away from him and they have to keep re-shooting the scene. When Liz comes back to school the next day, she slowly figures out that Jessica is hiding something from her. She rides by Todd’s house on her bike and is surprised to see it packed full of people. It turns out Jessica blabbed about the special to her friends, and now the entire class has shown up to watch. Liz comes in and exposes Jessica’s twin switch to Todd who isn’t thrilled, but the director is delighted that there are twins and re-shoots the scene with both of them. What’s more, he loves how Jessica tried to grab the phone from Todd before, so he incorporates that into the scene – only he has Liz do it this time while Jessica continues to just sit there. Jessica is taught a lesson. Haha, psych! She’ll never learn any lesson.

Jessica introduces the next excerpt by explaining that Liz isn’t the goody-goody everyone thinks she is and that she has just as many faults as everyone else, but is better at hiding them. LOLLLL. The excerpt is from Sweet Valley Twins and Friends #66, The Great Boyfriend Switch (1993) which I remember buying and reading. The story in that book is that Liz is dating Todd and Jessica is dating Aaron Dallas. Then at the Valentine’s Day dance, Jessica abandons Aaron to dance with Bruce Patman, whom she starts kissing in front of everyone. Meanwhile, some biotch named Veronica Brooks is trying to steal Todd from Liz, and doing a great job at it because Liz and Todd are both wimps. Liz and Aaron wind up bonding over their shared misery, then they start kissing and dating. The twins end up outraged at one another, and the excerpt is about how Liz and Jessica independently decide to fix things with Todd and Aaron by impersonating one another at some big party someone is holding. Jessica, posing as Liz, is interrupted mid-make-up with Todd by an angry Veronica, and she confronts Veronica for stealing a locket that Todd had given Liz and they get in a shoving match at the party, which ends with “Liz” flying through a patio door at “Jessica’s” feet. The twins then realize what they were willing to do for one another to fix shit and make up. The plan also works on Todd and Aaron because those dummies are too dim to realize that Liz and Jess have switched, even though each girl keeps accidentally referring to “herself” in the third person, blatantly not acting right, and shit like that. When Todd and Aaron move in to kiss and make up with Liz and Jessica, the girls quickly make excuses and dash off to switch clothes, then run back outside to hook back up with their respective 12-year-old doofus beaus.

The third excerpt is from one of the SVH werewolf books I just recapped, A Date with a Werewolf. Liz introduces it by sheepishly explaining how she fell for Luke Shepherd (and totally glossing that shit over – she puts it as “we became close”). She also says that Joy Singleton’s throat had not only been ripped out, but “chewed on.” Haha, that’s a nasty detail that I am 99.9% positive was not actually in the werewolf books. The excerpt, which I think was altered slightly in the beginning to start less abruptly, covers how Liz impersonated her sister in order to prowl around Pembroke Manor looking for clues.

Finally, Jessica introduces an excerpt from one of the Sweet Valley University books (no clue which one). This is the only one of these four series that I never read any of, but I’ve heard a good amount about it. Basically, Jess and Liz are pledging the Thetas, a sorority that their mother was supposedly part of. (Hippie Alice was part of a sorority?)  Jessica dances with a black man and the president of a fraternity starts giving them shit over it because he’s a racist POS. Liz tells the frat prez off in front of everyone, and then she gets a note from the sorority president telling her she has to apologize to the president for offending him and go on a date with him to prove her loyalty to the Thetas. OK, so the Thetas are obviously garbage, and Liz refuses to do it.  Jessica is so afraid that Liz will get them blackballed that she impersonates Liz and goes on a date to the homecoming football game with racist frat boy, who predictably acts like a douche the entire time. Jessica as Liz even makes an impassioned plea for forgiveness. OMG, this is so gross. Liz skipped the game to study (of course), but Steven and girlfriend Billie are there and they see “Liz” with racist frat boy and are appalled. Steven confronts Liz after the game (which Billie has some kind of problem with because she thinks Steven is acting too much like an overbearing dad or something). Liz quickly realizes it was Jessica and pledges to get back at her. Jessica gleefully informs us that Liz forgave her later on, because she “has to.” And that pretty much sums up one of the main reasons why Jessica never learns.

Next, the book gives us special sneak previews of Elizabeth’s Secret Diary and Jessica’s Secret Diary, two Magna Editions that were released later that year. (It’s almost time for me to recap these.) The main purpose of the diaries is to further our understanding that Liz is a hypocrite and Jessica is a sociopath. Liz’s diary excerpt is about how she cheated on Todd with Ken Matthews when Todd first left for Vermont. I guess I’m supposed to be shocked, but Liz is always cheating on Todd with somebody so … Jessica’s diary excerpt is about how she impersonated Liz to go on a date with Jeffrey. During a romantic stroll on the beach, Jeffrey suddenly realizes “Liz” is Jessica, or that’s the impression Jess has, but he makes out with her anyway and then never breathes a word of the incident to Liz. Nice Jeffrey character assassination! And again, how shocking that Jessica would try to make out with her sister’s boyfriend, because she’s never done it before! The only thing that really raised my eyebrows was that they inserted racier language into these. E.g., Jessica thinks about “ripping off Jeffrey’s clothes.”

Lastly, there’s a Sweet Valley trivia quiz which covers all four series. At the end of the quiz, the book says: “To find out the answers, turn to the next page, hold the page up to a mirror, and read the reflection!” Then you turn the page and the print is just regular facing type and you definitely don’t need a stinkin’ mirror. Editing fail!

In the back of the book: There’s yet another Sweet Valley Fan Club ad, plus a promo advertising four upcoming Christmas books, one in each series.

Coming up next …: Now that we’ve finished our werewolf arc, it’s time for the next thrilling mini-series!

#106 / Super Thriller #6 Beware the Wolfman

BEWARE this spooky ass font

The stepback cover: These twins don’t look like they even realize there’s a werewolf behind them. Their faces are kind of like, “Oh, what a rude man”

This is it! The finale of the “Sweet Valley Horror” mini-series and the sixth Super Thriller … which is also part of the regular series somehow. Bizarre, I hate when they pull that crap. These werewolf books are so out of left field that you’d think they’d just make them ALL Super Thrillers. That way they can deny they’re canon later on if they want.

This cover is honestly pretty sweet, with the front cover being a simple overlay, showing a werewolf hand leaving claw marks. There’s a stepback illustration with the twins looking mildly offended by the wolf man snarling at them. And they have those dang trench coats once again. I’m guessing Jessica is the one on the left, since she is wearing a leopard-print coat. That doesn’t seem like Liz’s speed. Liz’s hands look really creepy to me. Where’s her stupid anti-werewolf pendant?

We start off the morning after the big press conference in which a warrant was issued for younger Robert’s arrest, based on some flimsy ass evidence. Liz is having breakfast at the HIS student housing with Portia and Emily, feeling smug as shit over her fabulous front-page article breaking the news about where Princess Eliana was. She’s also very pleased with herself that younger Robert is about to be arrested for being a werewolf. She, Portia, and Emily laugh about what an old bag their housemother is and how she flipped out over finding out she’d had a princess under her roof all this time. Just then, Jessica shows up and sees all the newspapers lying around with the “WEREWOLF” headlines. LOL, this is some tabloid shit. Jessica flips out yelling at Liz and while some of it is unfair (because it’s Jessica), a lot of it is pretty on the nose. She’s angry that Liz impersonated her to sneak around Pembroke Manor, and she calls Liz a “reverse snob” again for looking down on everyone with money. She makes fun of Liz for sitting on a high horse about breaking the Princess Eliana story like she’s the world’s greatest investigative reporter, even though Eliana came right out and told Liz who she was, so it’s not like Liz had to do much work. She mocks Liz and Luke for being “nuts” and  “deluded” for believing in werewolves and for being so quick to believe that Robert is one. Liz’s response is to act shocked that Jessica would defend Robert since Robert tried to kill her … because Liz is convinced her circumstantial evidence is rock-solid proof. Jessica tells Liz she’ll never find a motive for Robert. The twins resolve never to speak to one another again. Liz thinks this is the worst fight they’ve ever had. It must be nice to have such a horrible short-term memory.

Liz takes a walk with her side piece Luke Shepherd in the park and thinks about how all memory of Todd Wilkins disappears when she’s with Luke. Real nice, although at this point, Todd is hardly a prize, so whatever. I just hate how Liz believes she’s better than literally everyone else. Liz whimpers at Luke that she’s feeling frightened, and he gives her a silver bullet to keep the werewolf away. Liz tells him she doesn’t have a gun, and he assures her it will protect her anyway. That afternoon, Liz and David Bartholomew take a ride to the palace to see Princess Eliana and have tea with the queen. Liz feels slightly guilty for not waking Jessica up to go with them, but Jessica later thinks she wouldn’t have gone anyway because she wants nothing to do with Liz. Uh, okay. I’m definitely not buying that Jessica Wakefield would turn down an invitation to chill with the Queen of England. Meanwhile, Liz asks herself if tea with the queen “is really that important” when people are dying and she has a mystery to solve. Oh my god, she’s so self-important and such a big martyr. While Liz is out, Jessica goes to hang out with Portia backstage, and Portia encourages Jessica to fight to clear Robert’s name. Then most of the kids go to see a classical music concert put on by Gabriello’s university music program, or something. Jessica actually enjoys herself.

The next day, Liz and Jess pointedly ignore each other at breakfast. Liz and David talk all about Princess Eliana’s luxurious palace housing and seem awfully impressed for two people who go out of their way to act like they don’t care about royalty or rich people. Surprisingly, nobody says shit about the Queen, so maybe Her Majesty didn’t have time for their wannabe bougie asses after all?

Jessica takes off with Emily under the guise of going shopping, then informs Emily she’s really going detective-ing instead. Poor Em. Jessica heads to the house/office of the dead Dr. Neville, one of the first werewolf victims, where she breaks in and flips through his medical files. She finds a file for Annabelle S. – she doesn’t know who that is because Liz hasn’t told her about the name in Lord Pembroke’s book. Jessica is intrigued since Annabelle’s file is the only one with no last name. Gee, maybe it’s Shepherd. The file says Annabelle died of pneumonia 8 years ago, but little else. Jessica hears someone coming, so she shoves the Annabelle file into her bag and dives through a window. Unbeknownst to either twin, the “someone” is just Liz breaking in. These kids are so fucking entitled. Look at me, I’m a Detective! I solve shit! Liz is at Dr. Neville’s because what Jessica said earlier got to her, and she wants to find Robert’s motive for yanking out people’s throats. I thought he was a werewolf … isn’t that the motive? LOL. Liz is so stupid. She finds younger Robert’s medical file and shoves it in her bag. Then she pokes through dead Dr. Neville’s Rolodex and finds a card for the “Pembroke nanny”, Mildred Price. She laughs to herself about how Robert must be with his nanny because he’s a rich entitled boy and that’s where boys like that run, and it’s SO smug and pretentious. If the ghostwriter wants me to hate Liz more than usual, they are doing a great job. Liz starts to write the nanny’s name and address down on some notepaper, then hears someone coming. Like an idiot, she leaves the notepaper with her writing on the desk, but snatches Mildred’s card out of the Rolodex. After she flees, the third intruder enters and it’s the “werewolf”, though they don’t tell us who it is and they don’t actually say he’s a werewolf. He prowls around sniffing the scent of the girls and takes note that someone wrote down “Nanny Millie’s” name because I guess we’re supposed to think it’s Robert. Nice try.

After Liz flees from Dr. Neville’s house, she meets Rene Glize for lunch and babbles on about her detective bullshit. Rene urges her to quit snooping around before she gets hurt and Liz says she can’t because Jessica might get eaten by a werewolf if she doesn’t. She gets back to the HIS housing to find Jessica and their friends are out watching Gabriello’s friend’s band play again. There’s a note from Portia inviting her to come join them, but Liz has more important things to do, such as mope around reading a letter from Todd and thinking about what a horrible girlfriend she is. Psych! Totally kidding on the part about the horrible girlfriend, Liz wouldn’t think that about herself. She takes off her werewolf pendant and sees that the initial “A” is engraved on the back. Could they hit us any harder with the obvious? Liz is all, “Huh, who’s “A”?” She realizes she doesn’t have Luke’s home phone number so she can’t call him. She wishes Luke would open up more about his life with his widowed father. Then she goes and shoves the pendant in Jessica’s work bag, because she thinks it’s selfish of her to keep it for herself when Jessica is really the one in trouble (or so Liz thinks). Liz gets points for wanting to protect her sister. She loses points because she wants to protect her sister from something imaginary. She loses even more points for being too stuck on hating wealthy people to realize that, hello, Luke is the one with something to hide here.

Monday morning arrives and Jessica oversleeps. Liz hems and haws about going to wake her up because she’s worried about Jessica having to commute to work alone, then ultimately decides not to wake her. Interesting how the one time Liz makes Jessica be accountable for herself, is when she thinks Jessica might die if she has to take care of herself. So Liz prances off to work by herself and catches some dark-haired young man with glasses following her, who veers off into a park when he realizes she’s seen him. She knows lots of dark-haired young men and isn’t sure who it is. Once she gets to the office, she finds Lucy Friday is back and has been promoted to editor-in-chief to replace Harry Reeves or Henry Reeves or whatever the fuck that man’s name was. Then Liz and Luke start nuzzling each other all over his desk and Luke gets upset Liz isn’t wearing her necklace. He tells Liz that it did indeed belong to his mom, Ann, who he got his werewolf fanaticism from. Liz doesn’t even make the connection between Ann and Annabelle. She promises Luke that Jessica will take good care of the necklace, even though Jess has no idea that shit is in her bag and could easily lose it. Then Tony Frank runs up to her and Luke as they’re busy canoodling, and informs them there’s been another werewolf murder.

Jessica wakes up and dashes off for the tube station, only to find she left her work bag in her dorm room. When she goes back to get it, she smells Robert’s cologne in her room and decides he must have been there to check up on her. She dashes outside to find him, then collapses bawling on the curb in front of a homeless man. (There’s lots of mention of homeless people in this mini-series BTW.)

Liz and Tony dash off to the scene of the latest murder, only to find it’s the Pembrokes’ old nanny, Mildred Price. Liz takes a moment to look upon Tony and rival reporter, Adam Silver of the London Post, with disdain because “to them, it’s just a story” or something, and Liz is obviously so much better than them. Then she starts bawling about how she could’ve saved Nanny Price by warning her that Robert was evil. Yeah, why didn’t you do that, Liz? You’ve been so convinced that Robert can sprout claws and fur at a moment’s notice and can’t shut up about it to anybody. YA DROPPED THE BALL! Haha, she’s so stupid. Tony has to comfort Liz in the midst of her bawling, because she’s determined to give Jessica a run for her money in the attention whore race. She also starts musing if this now proves Robert is the killer. Make up your fucking mind, Liz. You’ve only been running around for a couple weeks now, pissing your sister off yelling that all the evidence points squarely at Robert and the killer has to be him. But here you are acting like you aren’t sure.

Next, Liz and Tony interview Mildred Price’s granddaughter, Dolores. Dolores says that Robert Pembroke was staying there recently for a little bit. Liz yells out that “I was right!” because she’s a self-absorbed biddy. Dolores says that Robert left when the story broke about him being a killer because he said he didn’t want to bring trouble to his beloved old nanny. Liz and Tony press Dolores on every little detail she can remember about finding her grandma’s body because I’m sure the police didn’t cover that at all. Dolores bawls that Robert must have come back and murdered old Mil. I’m convinced that Liz and Tony don’t realize they are reporters and not police detectives.

Back at the newspaper office, Jessica appeals to the newly crowned editor-in-chief Lucy to make Jessica her own personal intern and Lucy agrees. Methinks Liz will hate that little development.

Liz and Tony run into Rene Glize, who gives some vague reasoning for why he’s in the neighborhood and acts like a weirdo. Wait, is HE supposed to be the werewolf? That would be odd if they brought him back for that shit. Then again, I’ve been scratching my head wondering what the point was of reintroducing him in this mini-series anyway. My best guess is he’s going to turn out to be a mystical werewolf slayer.

Back at the HIS dorm, someone enters the twins’ and Portia’s room and “paws” through things while “yowling.” I’m getting an image of a regular guy stomping around trying to act like a werewolf, and dying laughing. The intruder finds the letter from Todd Wilkins to Liz and rips it in half with his teeth. Haha, it’s definitely Luke, and if it’s not him it’s Rene. The “werewolf” also finds the medical files for Annabelle and Robert and is irritated that the twins must know about Annabelle. He looks for the silver bullet, but can’t find it. Oh god, there’s gonna be some showdown with that shit later, isn’t there. After ransacking the room, the intruder steals away with the two files, vowing to fight the twins to the death, or some old dramatic bullshit like that.

Jessica has a good first day as Lucy’s intern and is actually praised for her writing skills. Liz comes back in the office from her play-detective outing with Tony and, as predicted, is jealous at Jessica’s success. Die mad about it, ya B. Jessica finds Luke’s pendant in her bag and realizes Liz put it there. She doesn’t want to wear it, but ends up putting it on “against her will.” No, that’s what it says. Haha! She is hypnotized by the pentagram! She and Liz end up riding the tube home together and talk a bit, but without looking at each other. After they leave the office, Tony goes into Lucy’s office and asks her out, but she tells him their relationship is going to be strictly professional and he walks away dejected.

Back at the dorm, Liz, Jess, and Portia find their room ransacked, although Liz and Jess’s things were the only ones really touched, and the two files they stole are missing. The bullet is also missing, even though we know the intruder couldn’t find it. Sergeant Bumpo comes to investigate and he’s way, waaaay more bumbling than ever before. The fuck? He wasn’t THAT bad. After he leaves, they see him arrest a homeless man for stumbling around causing a ruckus. It’s the same homeless man that Jessica cried in front of before. I would say that it’s Robert in disguise, but I’m not clear why Robert would weave around calling attention to himself. Then again, I never said anyone in this book was smart. Portia and Jess go to dinner. Having heard about the room ransacking incident, Rene barges into Liz’s room to beg her to go back home to the U.S. with Jessica so they don’t get hurt. He offers to make all the arrangements, but Liz insists everything will be fine and goes out to dinner with Luke. As she and Jessica try to fall asleep that evening, Jessica starts thinking about Luke’s mother’s pendant and “Annabelle S.” and she excitedly wakes Liz up to ask what Luke’s mother’s name was. Liz mumbles that it’s “Ann” and Jessica is disappointed because that means Annabelle can’t possibly be Luke’s mother. Holy fucking SHIT these geniuses …

At work the next day, we learn the werewolf has attacked Lord Pembroke (the dad), but he’s survived somehow and is in intensive care. Luke, Tony and Liz gather around and talk totally objectively about how they can’t believe Robert would attack his own father and speculate like fucking crazy to come up with reasons he must have done it. Great journalists in action. Lucy gives Jessica the morning off because Jessica is upset, and tells her to look for ways to prove Robert’s innocent (even though Lucy also believes Robert is guilty). Jess goes to the hospital to meet with Lord Pembroke and the hospital staff just lets her into his room because she asked. Great security staff this royal family has. Lord Pembroke does some mumbling at Jessica about how he wanted to hunt a werewolf. Then he sees Jessica wearing Luke’s pendant and says it looks like one he once gave Annabelle, the only woman he ever loved. He implores Jessica to tell Robert the younger that he has a brother. Jessica fails to put two and two together and I’m about to tear my hair out. Old Lord Pembroke rasps at Jessica that his son loves her … and then he kicks the bucket. LOL just kidding, I’m just being cold on that last part about the bucket. Although in all honesty they kind of acted like he died after he said that … calling those his “final words.”

After meeting with Lord Pembroke, Jessica comes across Lady Henrietta Pembroke, his wife, in the hospital kitchen, hoping to talk to her. But as soon as she sees her, Lady Pembroke starts screaming at her about being a nosy American, and flings her coffee cup on the ground. Real high class there, Lady P.  Jessica goes back to the office and works through her suspects list. She starts to go snoop in Luke’s desk, but he catches her and she has to make some shit up about a stapler.

Liz takes a train out to Pembroke Manor with Tony, who has a cold, which must mean it’s going to be convenient to the plot later. She is startled to see Rene on the same train platform as they’re boarding, but loses sight of him. She and Tony get to the manor house and just let themselves on in because there aren’t many servants around and I guess nobody locks their doors in this damn town. They prowl around the werewolf room for eons, and talk about how Robert must have been inspired to take on the persona of werewolf killer from his dad’s collection. What a couple of presumptuous ass wipes. There are two werewolf books inscribed to elder Robert by Annabelle, and one of them is in French. Then Liz finds a box disguised as a book, full of love letters from Annabelle. In her letters, she told Lord Pembroke he had to promise to take care of their son. The pair traipse out of the house to catch a taxi while the “werewolf” watches them from the woods on all fours. The werewolf then goes into the house, lets himself into the secret wolf room, grabs Annabelle’s letters and sniffs them, and howls “balefully.” I cannot stop laughing. Bravo, ghostwriter, seriously.

That night, Princess Eliana comes to visit for a surprise dinner, and I guess the twins believe she showed up to make them have to sit together and make up. Liz starts looking down her nose at Jessica, and talks about Robert going to the gas chamber, because she is a heinous bitch. Jessica screams at her that she hates her and then tells everyone else she hates them too for setting this up, and runs out of the room. Dramatic much? Liz stomps off and breaks Mrs. Bates’ rules by going onto the boys’ floor to talk to Rene. Hey, the guys keep pulling the same shit and Liz is clearly no longer someone who gives a fuck about rules anyhow. Even though Liz has never been on the boys’ floor, she somehow knows just where Rene’s room is, but his door is locked. She gets super pissed off because she thinks she’s entitled to Rene’s time and he’s supposed to just wait around for her to talk when she feels like it.

Liz tells Luke all about the investigation she and Tony did at Pembroke Manor, and Luke gets upset and tries to get her to stop the investigation. She decides not to tell him that she and Tony have the return address from Annabelle’s old letters, and are going to head over there next. That’s probably the first smart thing she’s done in this book. However, Tony gets too sick with his cold to go, so Liz ends up taking Luke with her after all.

Portia gets her dad, Sir Montford Albert, to escort her and Jess into Lady Henrietta Pembroke’s townhouse so they can question her, because Sir Montford is a famous actor, and nearly every single noble or person related to nobility is depicted as a simpering buffoon in these books so Lady Pembroke is sure to let Sir Montford in the house. It works. Lady Pembroke nearly swoons when she sees Sir Montford and is only mildly miffed he brought along the girls. Sir Montford quickly gets a donation pledge from Lady Pembroke for his theater company, then is all, “Right, see ya later” and swoops out leaving the two girls sitting there. Jessica merely states aloud that she knows about Annabelle and the Lady starts spilling the tea about their affair like it’s nothing. So yeah, Lord Pembroke had an affair with Annabelle, who wasn’t of the same class. I really am not sure if they started the affair before or after Lord Pembroke married Lady Henrietta. Annabelle had a child with Lord Pembroke but lied and told her husband that the child was his. And then Lord Pembroke had to keep paying for the child’s medical care, share Robert’s nanny with him, and so on, while Annabelle told her husband the payments were coming out of her pension from her old job at the London Journal, until Lady Pembroke had them cut the child off, because all the money in the marriage is apparently hers. Huh? And the child’s name was … *drumroll* … Lucas! Jessica yells that Luke is the killer and tears out of the house to find Liz. After calling Tony to learn where Liz went, she and Portia hop in a taxi to head to Annabelle’s old house on Forget-Me-Not Lane. Tony then gets worried and calls Lucy, and they head that way as well. On the way there, they admit they love each other and almost make out at a stoplight.

Liz and Luke arrive first, of course, and they just go ahead and break on in once they realize no one is home. Nobody has neighbors who give a fuck in this book, so it’s all good! Liz justifies it to herself as she has to break and enter someone’s fucking house for the sake of her investigation. Sounds like quite the reach there but okay Liz, go on and be a yoga instructor. They get inside and the lights are all out, and they have to light candles. Luke goes into the basement to try and fix the fuse while Liz heads upstairs and starts nosing around. She finds a man’s room with a framed picture of a smiling woman and little boy. She just goes ahead and snatches the picture and roams on down the hall into another bedroom. It’s covered in many years of newspaper clippings about the Pembrokes. Liz spins around in horror with her little candle in her hand, gaping at the newspaper clippings. She picks up a diary and reads about the writer having woken up in the woods outside of his father’s house in the country covered in blood and not knowing what happened. She realizes this is Annabelle’s son’s room. Good job, Einstein. Then a werewolf pops up in the doorway and asks if Liz likes his collection. She sees the werewolf is wearing Luke’s clothing and laughs it off because Luke must be just fooling around. The werewolf isn’t laughing and insists he can’t take his mask off. Liz looks at the photo and realizes that’s Luke with Annabelle in the photo … and that Luke is Lord Pembroke’s son … and he’s the killer! Liz, is your daddy a snail ’cause you are SLOW!

Luke in werewolf-mask tells Liz he’s killing people because his real father abandoned his mother and she died and it’s his father’s fault. On her deathbed, Annabelle told Luke who his real father was and he hasn’t been right since. He’s been determined to get back at his real father’s family ever since, his nanny, the doctor and nurse that treated him, etc. What about Lady Wimpole’s dog though? Luke does explain that he killed Joy because he thought she was Jessica, and he was mad at Jessica for planning to become the next Lady Pembroke when Luke’s mother never had that chance. Now he’s gonna kill Liz!

As Luke is about to pounce on Liz and rip her throat out, Sergeant Bumpo, Rene Glize, & Robert Pembroke the younger suddenly bust into the room with a gun. I guess Liz doesn’t want to send Robert to the gas chamber now! Liz sees Robert is dressed as the homeless man she just saw outside. The four men start wrasslin’ around on the floor and Robert threatens Luke by yelling he has the “silver bullet.” The gun gets knocked away, and Bumpo ends up shooting Luke just as Jessica and Portia arrive. Liz removes Luke’s werewolf mask and he happily tells her they killed the werewolf, then dies.

Liz and Jessica make up. Liz has to admit she was wrong about Robert, but does so kind-of half-assedly. Robert says he’s been hiding as a homeless man in the city pretty much the whole time he was on the lam, other than the time he spent with his old nanny. It was indeed him getting arrested by Bumpo outside the student housing! When Bumpo arrested him for vagrancy, Robert exposed the truth to Bumpo and had Bumpo book him overnight. Then the werewolf attacked Robert’s father while Robert was in the clink, and Bumpo realized Robert was telling the truth about not being the killer and they started working together. Robert did indeed come to the twins’ room earlier that same day, because he needed to steal the silver bullet to protect Jessica from Luke. I don’t get the whole silver bullet thing. I mean, we know silver bullets are fatal to werewolves and all, but … Luke obviously wasn’t a real werewolf. Maybe Robert thought he was? And it’s clear that Luke was trying to frame Robert by leaving his stuff at the murder scenes, but Robert isn’t sure if Luke was trying to frame him intentionally or not.

Rene tells Liz he was secretly (or not-so-secretly) following her around in order to protect her. Creepy. I still don’t get what the point was of bringing Rene back after all this time.

Liz steals Luke’s diary because she’s a klepto. She knows the police will want it at some point, but she wants to reads it in the comfort of her dorm room while bawling about what an idiot she is. Luke started keeping the diary when he was 9 and his mother had just died and he had learned the truth about his father. I swear they previously said his mom died when he was 6. The diary reveals that Luke started having “blackouts” as a teenager. He apparently acted as “the werewolf” and killed people and animals during some of these blackouts, which he didn’t remember later. As a result, Luke in his “normal” state honestly thought Robert was the werewolf and surmised that he must have come back from the blackout with blood on himself because he found the bodies. Luke also wrote in his diary about having worn Robert’s robe and taken his cigarette case but doesn’t remember committing the murders while he had those items. So he thinks Robert somehow left those items at the murder scenes, even though Luke remembers taking them himself? Oh yeah, and not sure where the damn “real” wolf fur came from. Luke’s last entry in his diary was a love sonnet to Elizabeth. (No, they don’t share it with us.) How touching. Does it mention wolfsbane in her hair?

Lucy and Tony realize they love each other, and get married a couple of days after this all ends. No, I’m not playing. Bumpo is there and he knocks a potted plant over on top of the wedding band.

Lord Robert the elder recovers and begs everyone to forgive him. He recognized Luke as his son when he first met him, but didn’t think Luke recognized him. Now Luke is dead and I guess that’s real convenient. Elder Robert passes ownership of the newspaper on to his “legitimate” son. No word on if Elder Robert is still desperate to hunt and kill a real werewolf or if anyone else feels sheepish for believing that Younger Robert was one. No one is really taking time to reflect on those shenanigans. I mean, if you got a rug and I got a broom …

Liz feels zero guilt over cheating on Todd with a serial killer. Zero, zilch, nada! (as she sings out to herself earlier in the book while looking over her stupid clues). Seriously, even if you happen to be a Liz fan, her sanctimonious crap was just over the top in this one.

I’m giving myself a hand, because when it comes to this whole plot reveal … uh, I pretty much NAILED IT. Because it was real difficult, hehe.

I loved this stupid ass, nutty mini-series. That’s true even though this last book was honestly starting to drag on too long (and it even opened with a too-lengthy recap of everything that happened in the first two books). I was starting to get pretty tired of the new formula post-A Night to Remember, and these wolf-man books made me laugh and gave me a welcome reprieve. I could still do without having the same story line dragged out over 3 books, but at least it was hilariously stupid. They already jumped the shark with the Jungle Prom and Margo, if you ask me, so they may as well just frickin’ run with it – and they did.

I do hope we can allow any future beaus of the twins to live past their teens.

Oh yeah, and pro tip: Never try to make actual sense out of this mini-series. Who’s got the Tylenol?

Other stuff: The ghostwriter misspells the name of Steven Wakefield’s girlfriend Billie as “Billy.”

There’s a scene where Tony passionately insists that Liz try to stick together with her sister to say safe. And then, “His eyes burned into hers and she felt a thrill of excitement, and fear.” For a moment, I really thought Liz would be adding a fourth man into her rotation.

Hot tip from Jessica: “People who write poetry are too wimpy to be murderers.” That was her reasoning for why it couldn’t be Luke (before she realized it WAS him, obvs).

“Jessica folded her arms across her chest and pushed out her lower lip …” She’s done that at least twice in this book. What a baby!

I’ve bitched about this many times before, but the lack of creativity with character names in these series really bugs me. The names Frank, Tony, and Lucy all reminded me of the Super Editon Malibu Summer, which had prominent characters with all of those names in it! There are several other repeats as well, but those three really stand out. Gah, come on y’all. To make matters worse, there’s a book coming up called Falling for Lucas that has nothing to do with THIS Luke / Lucas (or at least, as far as I can tell it doesn’t).

I’m too lazy to go back and try and figure this out, but I swear to god they kept changing around how long ago Luke’s mother died.

Rene tells Liz it was hard following her around, because she “really gets around.” Yeah, you got that right Rene.

Lady Pembroke declares that she knew the child her husband had with Annabelle was evil as soon as she heard the name, because Lucas is an evil name. What? Am I missing a reference to something?

Love the way Liz is always looking down on rich people when she just had Bruce Patman’s tongue in her mouth last mini-series.

People spent an awful lot of time in all three of these books fucking talking out loud to themselves!

Coming up next: We’ll go back to Sweet Valley, California, for some less supernatural drama, and take a look at a special extra or two. And, I’m guessing Todd will never be the wiser that Elizabeth was gettin’ some English werewolf ween behind his back.

#105 A Date with a Werewolf

The one in which Lina shows David her “O” face

First of all, I couldn’t even type out the title of this book without laughing. This is some silly-ass, campy-ass, dumb-ass shit and I LOVE IT. I can see how this mini-series was not a hit with plenty of SVH readers, but I can’t remember the last time I giggled my way through an SVH book like this. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a ridiculous ride!

So, I got a stick up my ass last recap, because the last book had the mini-series title as “Sweet Valley Terror” which is the same as the Margo mini-series. I’m pleased to report my high standards have been now been met as this book shows the correct mini-series title, which is apparently “Sweet Valley Horror.” Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Following the cliffhanger at the end of the last book, we open this one at Pembroke Manor with about two pages of Liz wailing that Jessica is dead. Then Jess waltzes in and wants to know what all the fuss is about. Then Police Chief Thatcher comes in and rolls over the throatless body, and it’s his own fiancee … Joy Singleton, the one Liz was just mocking at the end of the last book. Man, that’s fucked up! As it turns out, Joy had asked Jessica if they could switch rooms because the full moon was making Joy’s bedroom too bright and she couldn’t sleep. Y’all ever hear of basic heavy drapes at Pembroke Manor? Damn.

Constable Sheila Atherton comes by to question everyone at once in the parlor. She does this dramatic shit where she whips around to glare at people without warning. She must have gotten lost on the way to a murder mystery party. She’s also honing in on the twins for no apparent reason. Actually, it’s probably because Liz is sitting there scribbling notes and Jessica is acting completely unfazed that someone was just murdered in horrific fashion, in her own damn room. These twins are seriously immune to post-traumatic stress disorder and should be the subject of a medical study. Of course, Liz sits on the couch glaring at Robert each time he gives one of his servants a simple order and thinks about how much better than him she is. Then Police Chief Thatcher lies to Constable Atherton and says he doesn’t see any similarities between this murder and the others back in London and nobody calls him on his bullshit. Then Lord Robert the Elder grabs at Liz’s wrist while she’s scrawling bullshit in her notebook, and tells her not to even bother trying to write a story on this for the London Journal because nobody cares. Liz is upset by all this shady shit and goes to the kitchen to question two of the Pembroke servants, Alistair and Maria, who she thinks were acting weird during Constable Atherton’s questioning. Maria admits she saw someone leaving Jessica’s room late at night around the time of Joy’s murder, when she was apparently coming back from a lil rendezvous with Alistair, but she either has no idea who it was or won’t say. She didn’t want to tell the constable because she seems to think that would cost her her job.

After Jessica’s room has been cleaned up from Joy’s murder, Liz sneaks in there and prowls around, because she thinks she’s in an Agatha Christie novel. She doesn’t tell Luke because she doesn’t think he can stay objective with his whole werewolf obsession. But then she discovers some green silk threads and a bunch of animal fur stuck in the cracks around the door and runs off to show it to Luke, who flips out doing his whole OHMAGERD WEREWOLVES act. When Liz tries to tell him that she’s not convinced there are such things as werewolves, Luke lectures her about something Thoreau once wrote. I really hate him. Next, Liz the genius accidentally lets Lina’s secret slip to Luke – that Lina’s really the missing Princess Eliana in disguise.

Back at the student housing, Emily and Lina discuss how jealous they are of the “American twins” and I want to puke. Lina starts going out on dates with David at Liz’s urging and finds she’s enjoying herself. And Rene goes to see Portia’s performance in A Common Man and then has a chat with her backstage. Rene suggests that Portia invite her father to come see her in the play. Portia suggests that Rene quit being grumpy about Liz dating Luke, and he starts blathering on about how he’s in love with Liz and she’s the perfect girl for him. Give me a damn break, you barely know her, Rene. Portia essentially tells him the same thing, and then they go off to find a bite to eat. I thought this book was trying to get the two of them together at first, but spoiler alert, nothing happens. I’m really not sure why the fuck Rene is even back in this series, unless he’s going to turn out to be a master werewolf slayer in the finale, which honestly makes sense at this point.

Liz and Jess arrive home from their disastrous Pembroke weekend – separately, since Liz rode the train back with her little wolf fiend, and Jessica rode back with Robert. Liz picks up a copy of the London Journal and is pissed that there’s no mention of Joy Singleton’s murder in it, just more stuff about the missing Princess Eliana supposedly being spotted in a Tokyo bathhouse. Then Liz gets alarmed when Jessica starts talking about how she’s fallen in love again for the first time since Sam died. (What about that James dude that Margo killed?) Liz begins lecturing her about how she barely knows Robert and bla bla. Haha, what a fucking hypocrite! Liz is over here blatantly cheating on her man with some dude who can’t talk about anything but wolf people. Jessica yells at Liz that she’s fed up with her “holier-than-thou” attitude and storms off. Hah! I want to give Jessica a high-five, except I don’t like her either. Lina / Eliana overhears some of the outburst, and she and Liz have a heart-to-heart about Liz’s fears that her sister is dating a murderer. Lina reassures her that she knows Robert (since she’s related to him and all) and he’s definitely not a murderer. Lina thinks that Lord Robert the elder is trying to cover up the “werewolf” murders not because he or his son are responsible for them, but because he’s completely averse to the press reporting on any scandal involving his family. And since there’s apparently only one newspaper in the entire UK in this pre-Internet-age book, and he owns it, I guess he has nothing to worry about there. It makes a lot of sense that he would allow a murderer to keep ripping the throats out of his friends rather than allow anybody to catch a whiff of this shit. Lina does make mention of some big family scandal that occurred about 20 years ago and really affected Lord Pembroke. She doesn’t know what it was, just that it was a “deep dark secret” that “caused embarrassment” when it got out. Not to worry, Detective Liz is on the case!

The twins arrive at the newspaper office the next morning to find that Tony Frank has been promoted to Crime desk editor, now that Lucy has quit in a rage. He assigns them to cover another story on Bumpo’s beat, this time about a kitchen sink that fell from a window and hit a college student in the head. (Spoiler alert: some dumb guy who was installing a new sink threw the old one out the window without looking.) Before they leave to follow The Bump around, Luke comes over to ask Liz to watch The Howling at a local cinema with him. Seriously, does this boy do anything that isn’t werewolf-related? He’s boring the shit out of me. He’s probably the killer, who’s convinced himself he’s a werewolf.

Liz impersonates Jessica so that she can question Lady Pembroke about the royal family’s big scandal, because she can’t first look through the microfiche machine at the fucking newspaper office she fucking works at! Liz bungles it in roughly two minutes because she’s a moron, rushing into asking about 20-year old secrets in the most obvious way ever, and Lady Pembroke tells her she is of “ill-breeding.” I mean, I don’t disagree.

Meanwhile, Jessica is busy typing up the falling sink story, even though Liz said she would. Robert the younger calls her and asks about getting together with his mom for dinner that night so that they can reconcile, because apparently his mom’s pretty upset about the way “Jessica” was questioning her earlier. Jessica quickly puts two and two together and is outraged.

After fucking up her Lady Pembroke interview, Liz goes on a lunch date with Rene where she tells Rene how she’s sure one of the Pembrokes is the murderer. Rene notices her pentagram necklace – the werewolf protection pendant that Luke gave her – and with, like, two words, convinces Liz that werewolves don’t exist. Liz then comes home to find Jessica preparing for her dinner with Robert and Lady Pembroke. Jessica blows up at her and accuses Liz of trying to ruin her happiness with Robert, because she thinks Liz wants to hop on Robert’s royal dong. She yells a pretty gold line about how it’s not enough for Liz to string along three guys at once. Haha! But Liz insists Jessica not tell Lady Pembroke that it was actually Liz interviewing her, because that will tip the Pembrokes off that Liz is trying to crack the case. Uh, Liz’s totally obvious questions earlier weren’t enough of a tip-off that somebody is on to their bullshit? Jesus, Liz really has a high opinion of herself (more stunning news at 11). For some reason, Jessica doesn’t expose Liz to the Pembrokes and suffers through a horribly awkward dinner being berated by Lady Pembroke. To make her feel better, Robert offers to take Jessica to see Stonehenge. Jessica goes, “Isn’t it just a bunch of old rocks?” Robert tells her Stonehenge is located in the lonely countryside and it will be just the two of them visiting and implies they might be able to get down and dirty there, or something. Uh, okay? I guess Robert is going to have the hordes of tourists kicked out before they visit.

Liz and Luke go see The Howling. The movie convinces Liz that werewolves do exist after all. Ladies and gentlemen, our star detective. After the movie, Liz and her side fella go to The Slaughtered Lamb pub, where Luke insists one of the Pembrokes is a werewolf and Liz agrees that’s the only explanation that fits. God, I can’t with these two half-wits. Part of the reason Liz thinks werewolves exist is because Luke said wolfsbane blooms when the werewolf prowls and Liz is like, “Yes, and we saw it blooming during the murders.” Haha! I think someone dropped a sink on her head a few dozen times.

Liz decides to impersonate Jessica AGAIN so that she can visit the older Lord Robert back at Pembroke Manor and spend an evening poking around looking for “clues”. She’s going to tell Lord Robert that she is still investigating the mink story, like he gives a fuck, and she will tell Tony Frank that she wants to go interview an ostrich farmer. She tells Lina / Eliana all about this. For some odd reason, though, she doesn’t tell Liz to keep her fucking nose out of her family’s business.

We get a scene of Lord Pembroke the Elder moodily sitting in his study. We learn that, like Luke, he believes the murderer is a werewolf. In fact, Lord Pembroke has always wanted to catch a werewolf to add to his trophy collection and bring his family renown following that 20-year-old scandal that we still don’t know. That’s why Pembroke has been covering up the murders. We also learn he found fur at the scene of his friend Dr. Neville’s murder, along with his son’s cigarette case. And he also saw the green threads in the door on the scene of Joy’s murder, and recognized them as coming from Robert’s robe. But he doesn’t want to believe his son could be a werewolf. Why not? Others seem happy just merrily jumping to that conclusion. He thinks Jessica has done his son a world of good and adores her, but he hates Liz for being nosy and poking around with her little notebook. And speak of the devil, Liz then calls him posing as Jessica, and says she wants to come to the house to ask questions about the mink story. Lord Robert doesn’t give a shit about his wife’s mink because he’s barely spoken to his wife in 17 years. (Also, his real love was lost to him in some vague incident ages ago.) Since Lord Robert finds “Jessica” charming, he encourages her to come visit, after making sure her sister won’t be coming along. He also tells her that his son loves her.

When “Jessica” gets to the house, she sees the body of the servant she spoke with earlier, Maria Finch, being wheeled out of the house with her throat torn open. The elder lord bumbles around mumbling shit at Jessica about how she shouldn’t let this get out. Instead of running away screaming, Liz takes advantage of her stay at Pembroke Manor to prowl around Robert’s bedroom looking for clues. She finds his dressing robe in the closet and confirms that it matches the threads she took from the doorway following Joy’s murder. Then she stuffs the robe into her backpack because she’s a little thief tripping on some lycanthropic bullshit. Her next stop is the library, where she finds that removing a volume of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde causes a secret doorway to open. Okay … I guess Lord Pembroke thinks there’s zero chance of someone wanting to read that novel? Liz walks on in to the secret chamber, and I’m hoping she gets shut in the walls for life, but nah, she’s just discovering a secret werewolf room. I’m about to spit my drink everywhere laughing just trying to type this shit. Yes, it’s a damn werewolf room. It has wolf heads mounted on the walls, and shelves full of werewolf books. It even has its own desk and a separate phone line in case of werewolf emergency … I guess. Haha! This shit is bananas. Liz pulls down a book from the chamber’s shelves, and finds it has an inscription to Lord Pembroke from “Annabelle” 20 years ago and starts getting hung up on who Annabelle is. She hears the servants coming, so she has to put everything back and get the hell out of dodge.

Meanwhile, Jessica is back at the newspaper office trying to type up an article while Luke critiques her, which pisses Jessica off because she knows writing isn’t her “greatest talent.” Yet they keep giving this bitch newspaper internships. Jessica notices Luke has a werewolf talisman keychain like the pendant he gave Liz and starts asking him what his deal is with that malarkey. He stares at her and then solemnly recites her a werewolf poem that he wrote himself. Oh my god, I just spat out my drink all over myself.

The next morning at Pembroke Manor, Liz pokes around in the library again trying to figure out who Annabelle is, to no avail. Just then, Liz hears Lord Pembroke and Police Chief Thatcher coming into the library, so she scrambles out of the secret room – accidentally leaving its door slightly ajar – and goes under a desk in the nick of time. From her place under the desk, which Pembroke is sitting at (gross?), she hears Thatcher giving Pembroke an ultimatum to tell him what he knows. Pembroke doesn’t want to because his evidence points to an innocent man, but Thatcher is tired of putting up with his bullshit, so Pembroke agrees to give him his evidence by 10 PM after he’s had a chance to talk to the “suspect.” After Thatcher leaves, Pembroke conveniently starts talking aloud about how he knows his son has to be innocent and he’ll clear his name, while Liz pants in fear. He then discovers someone has opened his secret room and is just shocked because he worked so carefully at hiding it and all, you know, hiding the switch under a BOOK in a motherfuckin’ LIBRARY. He muses aloud about how no one else ever knew of the room’s existence but Annabelle.

As soon as Liz has a chance to get out of the library, she tears off to call the newspaper office and try and find Jessica because now she’s firmly convinced Jess is about to have her throat ripped out by Robert, as opposed to before when she was mostly convinced but didn’t really give a shit about Jessica and her throat. When she calls the office, Luke is gone all day, and Tony Frank says Jessica is out with Robert. As Liz flees the manor to find her sister, Pembroke calls Robert and tells him to get the fuck out of dodge because Thatcher is going to think he’s a werewolf and come arrest him. Robert is all, “Aw Dad, stop fucking around with that wolf man bullshit” but he agrees to hightail it out of town, so he can hide from the cops, I guess. Then he takes Jessica out to brunch, & tells her he has to leave town and cancel their Stonehenge date. He won’t say why, but assures Jessica he cares about her. Upset, Jessica takes off shopping and running up the emergency credit card her parents gave her. She heads into a deserted tube station and something chases her. She runs off, falls down and then just lays there while something “hairy” brushes her arm and breathes over her. Just then, some people show up and the hairy thing runs off. For real, this is supposed to be how werewolves act? Jessica is now also starting to think werewolves must be real. There’s no way it could be somebody in a fur coat, or a werewolf suit, or some shit like that.

Tony Frank takes Luke and the twins to meet with Lucy, the original Crime desk editor who quit because the newspaper was covering up the murders. Lucy seems like the voice of reason at first but soon also seems convinced there could be a werewolf. These people have all had psychedelic mushrooms put in their tea. The group has Lucy submit the threads and fur from Joy’s murder scene to Sergeant Bumpo to have them forensically tested, because I guess none of the other cops thought to do that shit already. Lucy comes back to the newspaper office with the gang, then learns that Tony wrote up a story claiming that Princess Eliana was dead (when it was Maria). He did this before he knew it was fact, because his boss Reeves told him he would let him fact check it, then Reeves just went ahead and published anyway before Tony could finish fact checking. Lucy doesn’t buy it and she starts yelling at Tony again and leaves. It’s sad because they’re obviously in lurrrrve. Lucy is my fave because she’s just done with everyone’s bullshit.

Catching up on the sub-plot stuff: Portia sends her dad anonymous tickets to come see “Penelope Abbott” perform. He shows up and loves it and they hug. Yawwwwn, so that’s over with. David and Lina start dating and fall in love. He comes to help her out at the shelter where she works, and they get all worked up talking about how they love to help people and how this makes them so much better than and different from everybody else. No, really. David confesses to Lina that he harbors a dream of opening up a medical clinic at a homeless shelter, and becoming a doctor so he can help there. Lina hems and haws about what to do about her little secret, and finally decides she’s going to tell David she’s really Princess Eliana. But before she can do that, she and David see the headlines proclaiming that Princess Eliana was found dead at Pembroke Manor. He suddenly realizes that she and Lina are one and the same. Lina takes off running in shame, but David comes into her room that night and loudly proclaims his love for her no matter who she is, and it sounds kind of like a marriage proposal. “If you’ll have me …” Liz gets the idea to have David “turn Lina in” to the newspaper because there’s a 1 million pound reward for Princess Eliana’s safe return, and he can then use that money to open up his clinic and go to medical school. Also, it gives Liz the opportunity to write a front page story and win a fucking Pulitzer or whatever. Liz is really getting on my last damn nerve in this book.

That night, Pembroke turns in his evidence to Thatcher implicating his son. The next day, there’s a big press conference at the Journal office to break some crazy news. Emily is there as part of her internship with the BBC. Jessica and Emily keep begging Luke and Liz to tell them what the big story is going to be, and they just sit there smirking because they’re high on wolfsbane. Then David and Lina come out and announce the whole “Princess Eliana found” story and bla bla bla. They give a speech about homelessness in England, and talk about what David is going to do with his reward money to fix it. Everyone flips out praising Liz for her amazing story while she sits there and preens. Lucy comes in and tells the kids that Bumpo has gotten the results back. The threads were definitely from Robert’s bathrobe, and the fur was definitely wolf fur. Robert has to be a werewolf, because there’s just no other explanation!

Lord Pembroke the elder shows up and fires Henry Reeves for printing a false story that Princess Eliana was found dead. Everyone eavesdrops. Then Chief Thatcher shows up and makes an announcement that a warrant is out to arrest Robert for being a murderous lycanthrope. Jessica is sure of Robert’s innocence and resolves to do whatever it takes to prove it.

So yeah, my theory is that Luke is the werewolf, or thinks he’s one. He’s mad because his dad (Lord Pembroke) couldn’t marry his mother (Annabelle) due to some old royal protocol bullshit, so now he’s running around in a fur suit made from real wolf’s fur, slaughtering helpless people and animals to get back at his evil dad. Annabelle probably never told Pembroke that she was having his baby and then she died. And the guy that Luke now calls his “pharmacist dad” is probably actually his step-dad. That would explain why Pembroke seemed to recognize Luke’s last name in the first werewolf book … because he recognized it as either Annabelle’s last name, or the step-dad’s. So in the next book, I think Luke is gonna come staggering out of a party store in full wolf costume doing some loony howl and trying to slash Liz up with his big fake plastic claws. What can I say, this book is stupid as hell, and I kind of love it.

This cover: We get some London scenery in the background. David and Lina / Eliana are in front, staring in disbelief at the headlines proclaiming Eliana dead. Eliana is trying to rival that blowjob face that Liz was making on the cover of The Love Bet. David looks like he’s either really impressed, or he’s mocking her for it. At right, Jessica runs around in the tube station convinced a werewolf is about to eat her, flinging her shopping bags around, although that’s not what she was wearing at the time and she’s about 10 shopping bags short of what she had in the book.

What the fuck? Liz tells Lina about how she killed Jessica’s boyfriend in an accident but then it turned out to be “another driver’s fault”. Um, she was still driving drunk herself, and maybe she wouldn’t have swerved wildly off the road if she hadn’t been behind the wheel like that? And no mention of why she was drunk (because her sister is a sociopath). Is this really the whitewashed version of that bullshit that we’re gonna go with now? (yes)

In the last book, younger Lord Robert told Jessica the queen is his aunt, meaning Princess Eliana is his first cousin. In this book, Princess Eliana tells Liz that the Pembrokes are her “distant cousins.”

Jessica shows off her knowledge of British slang by using words like “naff” (uncool) and “narg” (nerd).

On the other hand, a British reporter uses the term “skedaddle” which is definitely an American slang term (albeit an old one). Did that term find its way over to the UK at some point?

When Liz suggests David try and claim the reward for finding Lina, it’s said the prize money is more than enough to cover the cost of opening a new clinic and to send David through medical school. Pages later, we learn it is not enough – Lina has to cover some of the clinic costs out of her trust fund, and the royal family is going to pay for David’s medical school. Haha, what if David can’t get into med school though? Did they think about that part? I don’t trust that anyone in this book could actually get into med school.

 Luke’s werewolf poem: *clears throat*

Through darkened wood he runs alone;
White team gleam like sharpened bone.
Wolfsbane bloom is softly kissed
By moonlight drifting through the mist.
By day he wishes no one ill;
At night he hungers for the kill.

Todd Wilkins, this is the dude your girl is cheating on you with.

Coming up next: Our first Super Thriller in a long time! BEWARE THE WOLFMAN! AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO y’all know this will be dumb as hell and I am HERE FOR IT